It has been three days; three days since the last nightmare of that nearly headless child screaming for its mother.
That heart breaking sound that makes me wake up racked with sobs..
It has been three days.
Should I be thankful?
I wasn’t being troubled by those disturbing black eyes that seemed alive even though it was nestled in a head hanging on desperately to shoulders by strings of flesh and muscles.
Should I be sad?
I can’t cuddle the nearly headless boy who made me absurdly happy.

Being childless has taken its toll on me.
At 42 I’m not getting any younger.
My husband has resigned himself to the dire situation of having no children to fuss over.
I told him the dream the first time.
“Its just your emotional state coming to life love” he said in his soothing voice as we cuddled.

I’m Sad.
I miss him!
He belonged to me!
The child of my dreams.
The child of my nightmares.

I am pregnant!

Unbelievable!
After years of trials, i am finally pregnant!
It seems God has decided to smile on me!

I don’t see the face of that weeping child anymore.
All i picture is the face of my little unborn one.
I’ve never been this overjoyed! Am i really 42? I feel years younger!

…..

It has begun again.
My nightmares.
I try not to take any note of it but it disturbs me!
The child.
It doesn’t cry anymore. It doesn’t cry for its mother anymore.
It just looks at me with disdainful eyes.
The look of abandonment; of despair.
Those eyes accusing me of things i know nothing about.

I am not your mother!
It tried holding on to me.
It.
For i choose not to see it as being human.
It nearly headless for Christ’s sake!
Leave me alone!

….

Am 7 months gone.
My nightmares have become less frequent.
Now i can concentrate on having my first baby.
According to scans its a boy!
My husband is beside himself with glee
I would have preferred a girl but i am grateful..

….

My water just broke.
Labour!
Pain!
Intense pain!
Oh the pain!

It has been 4 hours now and my baby isn’t coming out!
What is wrong?
The nurses are not telling me anything useful!
Deep breathes they say.
I don’t want to take deep breathes
I want my baby!

….

‘C-section’ says the doctor.
No!
I want to have my first baby birthed naturally!
No!
My husband tries pleading with me
No!
No!

….

I think am going to die
The nurses are shaking their heads.
The doctor is becoming frustrated
No!
I would not be operated on!!

Its finally crowning!
Baby!
The pain!
The cries of “Push”!
I am out of strength..
I just want this to end quickly..
Take it out of me!

Cries
I can hear my baby’s first cry.
Tears fill my eyes as I stretch out my hands to hold him.
The nurse places him in my arms
Beautiful child!
Mine!

So beautiful he looked until he opened his eyes.
His black black eyes!
I recoil in horror!
I know those eyes!
The eyes from my nightmare!
The child of my nightmare!

The nurse collects the baby.
I’m beginning to feel odd.
“She is losing blood!”
Someone is losing blood
Who?

Where am i?
Where is my baby?
That thing is not MY BABY!

“Honey hang on!”
My husbands voice
I try to tell him..
That thing..
Not..
Baby..

My vision dims
Shadows closing in
With fluttering eyes I see the nurse with the child.

I could swear it smiled at me.
No, not a smile.
Something colder.
Shadows closing in faster.
What is wrong?
Exhaustion?
Anaesthetics?
Vision swirling..

The last thing I see..
Those demon black eyes of the nearly headless child…

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