Before I begin, PSA! Phantom Pages is 5months old today! YaaaaY! Ok not today, yesterday; but still, YAY! Can’t believe it’s been that short a time though! 🙂

Well, back to today’s topic! : WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY WORRYING ABOUT

Immediately I saw my topic of the day, all my worries and troubles came flooding in. *sigh*. I wouldn’t bother you with the whole; just one.
I’m terribly worried about the career path I’m taking.
It’s not a bad one; in fact, it’s very profitable on the long run but is it what I want to do?
Left to my devices, I might choose art and creative writing but as romantic as ‘following’ my heart sounds, I have to be realistic. If I’m hoping to gain a steady income, taking those courses would be a risky move.
I’m not bad at what I’m doing; quite the opposite. But am I into Science because I want to or because Mother feels I’m capable of doing it? Has her believing in me become a sort of pressure to achieve what she feels I can? Is it then wrong for her to believe in me?
I think the problem’s me. I need to understand myself. I need to come to a conclusion that ‘This is what I want to do!’.

My ability to be able to adapt to any situation is becoming my Achilles heel. I can actually take up accounting now and excel in it. Somehow, by God’s grace, I’ve been able to deal comfortably with any form of academic pursuit.
Now I’m caught like a fish out of water.
What path?
So, I’ve chosen Science.
Why then do I feel like I’m being manipulated? And it’s not really my idea? All my life mother has always drilled “Make sure Art is your hobby” into me.
Am I doing what she wants? Am I just pleasing her? I know subconsciously, I’m trying to gain Mother’s trust again. Did stupid things, long time ago. Now is that guilt resurfacing?
I don’t know.

I never had reasonable aspirations as a kid. My ambitions included marrying Michael Jackson, becoming an Astronaut and becoming a commando with guns. I sometimes envy people that say “This was what I’ve always dreamt of doing from a young age.”

Encountered loads of failure in this path I’m treading. Maybe that is why I’m panicked. Never really failed at anything before. Life’s lessons. When the going gets tough…
Oh well, I’m too stubborn to quit. Whether it be my path or not, I’d see it to its completion!
Hopefully, I’d come to a conclusion in my mind and I’d be able to say “I love what I’m doing!” out loud. Not like, love.
Hopefully……

Sigh.

Jana.

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