Archive for December, 2011


Day 23: The Birdies


“Hey-ho” greeted Santa to his little female elves.
Joke of the day! 🙂
So today’s topic isn’t much of a topic.
I love the ‘Nigerian Twitter’ scene as it’s called by some. Everyone is a critic, everyone is a saint on Sunday. Everyone’s a photographer, everyone is a blogger.
Why am I blogging about Twitter? It is not my usual is it?
No it isn’t. But I read something so interesting, I felt the need to blog about it!
And this is ‘The Birdies’. If you don’t know about it, nna mehn your last get K leg o! Hia!
So yeah, The Birdies.
Seriously LMAO.
First I saw a tweet about it, I wondered who was dumb enough to give birds awards. Apparently, it’s a ‘Twitter Award’.
In a way,we are all birds, twittering on the Internet tree. (And we are all spiders on the WorldWide Web. :D)

So here was what came to mind. In the Avian world, we have different classes ofcourse. Same with twitter!

1. The Parrot: Those twitter users that tweet a lot. Highly humorous. Sarcastic. Sometimes repetitive but we like them anyway..that is until they begin to annoy the hell out of you! E.g. @ *insert handles*

2. The Ostrich/Emu: These are the bigwigs of twitter. The largest birds. Every tweet of theirs is like laying an egg. Have you seen an Ostrich’s egg?? Friggin’ huge yo! So the eggs..sorry tweets get retweeted and you know the drill. Big shots. You don’t mess with the Ostriches/Emus. It’s impossible to pick fights with them. Try picking a fight with a REAL Ostrich first!
Anyway, you get the picture. E.g @*insert suitable handles*

3. The Penguin: These ones are the last carriers. How won’t they carry last when they live in the Southern hemisphere! Two weeks later after the number game on twitter ended, one penguin whose Last was a Sumo wrestler, came back with it! Negro please! E.g @*insert the last carriers on your TL*

4. The Woodpecker: These are the noise makers. The otimkpus. The hypers and over-hypers. You know yourselves!

5. The Hummingbird: These are the small, flighty and flirty users on your TL. Those ones that fly up and down making trouble, flirting with other users. They have the most fun in my opinion!

6. The Vulture: You only see these group of people when something bad’s happening or has happened. They don’t necessarily need to know the details of what has happened. They just see fresh meat and fly in. They’d join in dissing a person or persons. They’d join in abusing Vic O even though they’ve never heard any of his creative songs. *insert epileptic fit here*. You get the idea right?

7. The Owl: Team Twitter after dark kwenu! In the night when people in their time zones are asleep, they crawl out like maggots in a rotten fruit. Nocturnal animals, looking for small preys to set P with. P for Prey. Lol. What? It’s funny. -_-.

8. The Pigeon: Full of shit. That is the easiest way to describe these geezers. They so full of crap (like the avian citizens of Trafalgar Square), you just want to go all Robin Hood on them. Bow and arrow, shoot the fuckers down. But you can’t. It is their account and they can tweet whatever shit they want! *Echoes of ‘TuraCool’ across the gallery* Huh? I don’t know what y’all are on about. -_-

9. The Hen: A.k.a The Voltron. Defender of the …..whatever. I shall draw your attention to a igbo native fowl called Okuko abuke. You ever seen those hungry looking hens? Those roadkills that no beggar ever picks up? Yeah! Those are the Voltrons. Have you seen two cocks fight??(No homo!..or Omo as our Ibadan citizens would call it.) You should! Those birds would fight for the most stupid of things. They are champions in drinking Panadol for another bird’s headache!
Notice how they’re the prime choice of food of all the birds mentioned! First to die no dey go heaven! (This makes no sense whatsoever!)

10. The Dodo: These ones are advised to close their accounts and go back to Hi5..or NIPOST. That is all.

11. The Swan: These are the cool, calm and collected birdies on your TL. Easy to flow with them. Graceful tweeps. Their tweets are always retweeted with “#Deep” or “#Gbam”. If you don’t have these kind on your TL….I don’t know what to say about you!

12. The Raven: The goths of Birdieville! All black everything. *shows off blackened nails*. These are the hard rockers. The heavy metal lovers. It’s all about the Dark Art! It’s all about their dark humour! The weirdos. (The REAL ones o not the cheap imitations that are flocking like geese -_-). E.g @weird_oo 😀

13. The Cuckoo: These are the famzers. When I say famzers, I don’t mean those that give genuine compliments to Celebrities and ‘celebrities’ (There’s a difference! Khaki no be leather but we go wear am!) (Off point). Yeah. When I say famzers, I mean those who greet Donjazzy “Good moreen” before they pray to God. Those hardcore ones! Chai!
The cuckoo bird is known to lay its eggs in the nest of other birds.
Now you see why I call them famzers? 😀

There is a group that doesn’t exist on the Nigerian twitter scene.
The Falcon/Hawk. These ones have people that tweet for them. A manager in charge!
E.g @Obama ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯ 😀
You can’t compete, sorry!

So yeah, when I heard The Birdies, that was all that came to mind. I wonder who came up with it and just what categories there are!
‘Voltron of the year’
‘P setter of the year’
‘Oracle of the year’
‘I-try-so-hard-to-be-funny of the year’
‘I-google-inspirational-quotes of the year’
‘Twitterho of the year’
‘I-come-up-with-TTs of the year’
‘I-have-trended-before of the year’

Cool stories bro!

Anyway, back to reality.
It’s the weekend!
Chairs to the friggin’ weekend, I’d seat to that yeah yeah yeah \__

I should have a psychedelic story coming up much later by my co-writer Dionysus!
That being said,

JANA!

Day 22


This is not a post.

Ok it is but i’m pissed so i have no ‘topic’.

Consider this quality time wasted.

Oh come back.

I’m just angry. Charging port for my blackberry device just decided to self-destruct. I watched some rogue videos on Youtube ‘teaching me how to charge my phone without the port’. Yeah, I’ve chewed wires (and swallowed metal shavings I’m sure) and no, no solution. They were wrong. So I’m going to be without a phone for a quality number of days (until i can either buy a travel charger or a new phone). Oh and did i mention i’m broke?

Why do gadgets frustrate me? I hate them all -.- Choosing to go bad just when my account is tryna stay above waters. Mehn I don’t blame babes that invoice guys shaa. If i get bobo now, no be to call am demand for new phone? Yeah right. I’m too proud and stubborn for my own good. Can’t get a new phone now. It would have to be in January.

Why am i telling you this? Because this is my anger therapy. I’d get pissed and smash stuff if i don’t write it down. My boss better not piss me off today. I wee transfer this aggression eh..MSCHEW.

Anyway, my stomach’s aching now. I might just be dying from ingesting chewed wires.

If you don’t see a Day 23 post, you know what happened.

See you….somewhere.

Day 21


Days keep flying! Wowwidy wow!

Topic: HOW WOULD YOU SPEND £10,000

I’d start by saying 10grand is TOO SMALL! IN THIS ECONOMY? HIAN!

That being said, if i truly was given this money, i’d divide it in half and give my mum half. Maybe it would make her relax more and worry less. Providing for four kids on your own isn’t easy so it would make me feel good, giving back.

£5000 left.

Church tithe’s £500.

£4500 left.

Books. I’d buy loads of books, old and new worth about £1000

£3500 left.

I’d give a friend of mine in need of an eye surgery £2000. Not enough but it’s something.

£1500 left

£500 to my siblings because they’d nag me anyway. Lol

I’d save the rest.

If on the other hand I was given a hundred grand, I’d definitely be including a power bike to my expenditure list! 😀

Enjoying your Xmas preparations? Xmas cheer? Well take  my middle finger, thank you very much! -__-

Jana!

 

Day 20


Morose.
Topic: WHAT SENSE CAN YOU GIVE UP?
This question gives me the ‘shakes’. I’m eternally grateful for all my five functioning senses! To give one up is just…. What would I choose?

My sight? NO! I might as well be a vegetable! I can’t read? Or stare at people? Or draw/appreciate art? Mba! Hell no! Kill me instead.

My hearing? This, I might consider. I love my music so the prospect of eternal silence is crippling BUT I’d give anything not to hear my name being screamed by mother. Tee Hee.

My sense of smell? NeVER! I love smells. Good, bad, I love! It’s interesting! I think I might have been a sniffer dog in my former life! LOL.

My taste? Nah. I like my food. I’d be depressed if I couldn’t taste anything I ate!

Touch. No. No. I love touching 😀 that is all!

At the end of the day, I’m glad I have them all. Some don’t. Some are too dead to sadly.
Today marks the 2nd year anniversary of a school mate’s death.
Victim of a vicious stabbing. Even sadder, the culprit was his friend. Why was he stabbed? Over a quarrel on facebook.
Of all things!
The culprit’s serving a 14yr jail sentence now but because he’s under 17, his records would be expunged I think.
Ah well.
RIP Salum.

Let us be grateful for everything we have, no matter how small.
Shalom.
Jana.

Shards


Cold, hard concretes and metals, imposing themselves on the skyline.
“It is our time to shine!” They boasted arrogantly to the few trees that were still fortunate to be standing.
They rejoiced at the demise of their green predecessors.
They stand like a million shards, fallen from the sky, sticking to the Earth like numerous pins on a pin cushion.
Higher! Higher!
They grew even higher, each competing to be the tallest building in Europe.
Foolish humans with your fancy machines!
Make us higher!
Let us reach into the skies and colonise it!
Let us obstruct the sun!
We are immortal!
We are not trees. We do not need the Sun!
We will last for all eternity!
Let us be worshipped like gods we are.

And one and two, and soon and soon.
Their wishes would be met.
Long roads, tall buildings on both sides.
A sandwich of coal tar concrete and metal.

And one and two, and soon and soon.
We would become caged birds. We would remember what it felt like to feel the sun on our skins. We’d peer surreptitiously, hoping to see something other than slabs and more slabs of concrete.
We would one day view the skies with a telescope.

—————–
Inspired by the horrible day I’m currently having. Trapped in traffic, surrounded by buildings, cars, and more buildings.
*sigh*

Day 19


Hey there.
No small talks.
Topic: INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT YOU

1. I’ve never screamed out loud in fear before. Never.

2. I love the sense of smell. I sniff at everything and everyone. I’d never enjoy a food I can’t smell.

3. I’m horribly morbid. I’ve been told I’m a ‘defeatist’ and my best bud says I’m ‘negative’ but I’m just a morbid dark weirdo is all. I’ve been putting conscious effort into being more ‘optimistic’ but bleh! It’s all doom and gloom for me.

4. I’m a ‘starer’. I enjoy looking at people from a distance. Just watching behavioural patterns. Interesting thing to do.

5. I have an obsession with skinheads. It had to be said! I’m not thirsty!

6. I was once a tad too interested in serial killers. I read a lot about them! Now, not so much.

7. I cannot dance. I stink. *sigh*

8. I laugh a lot but hardly smile.

9. I’ve got a non-sexual attraction to women. Really 😀

10. I’m fiercely introverted. That accounts for my few friends. 😦

Oh well. If you need to know more, marry me! :p
Jana!

Day 18


Life goes on doesn’t it? We all gonna die one day. Heck she’s even lucky to be rid of the troubles of the world.  Ah well.

Thanks for the well wishes and hugs. Accept my heart-felt appreciation.

So, topic for Today: MY FAVOURITE THINGS

Favourite body part: Definitely not my ass. I’d say my eyes. I think they’re nice even though my brother says they’re beady, shifty and dead.

Favourite book: I cannot have one. No true bibliophile should have one. What i have are favourite books from authors. My favourite Charles Dickens’ is A Tale of Two Cities. My favourite Dan Brown book is Deception Point. Fave Jeffrey Archer’s First amongst equals. Fave Dean Koontz’ is a tricky one. I’m in love with all his books….except Sole Survivor. My fave Stephen King, another hard one. Well you get the idea.

Favourite Actor: This one changes according to the movie I watch. Right now, it’s Rowan Atkinson (Johnny English reborn was the last movie i watched). I fear after i watch the new Sherlock Holmes movie, it would be Robert Downing Jnr. Dude’s very….interesting. If i was made to choose on the pain of death though, it would be Johnny Depp.

Favourite Actress: Helena Bonham Carter. Easy. Love her.

Favourite film: Not a huge fan of films but I do enjoy classics especially the adventure genre.

Favourite colour: Lapis lazuli. Google Image is your friend. :p

Favourite lie: “I don’t know”

Favourite truth: “I don’t know”

Favourite band: Disturbed.

Favourite food: Nigerian: Anything (asides amala) with ogbono soup. Intercontinental: Chinese cuisines.

Favourite quote: “I like big butts and I cannot lie”- Sir Mix a Lot. 😀

Favourite favour: “Can you do me a favour?”

Favourite words: “Buttocks” “Ennui” “Susurrus”

Favourite Phrase: “Can’t be bothered”( Efe can confirm this one. Lol) “Oh well”

Favourite bible quotation: Job 11 vs 12 : “”An idiot will become intelligent When the foal of a wild donkey is born a man.” I find it so hilarious!

And I’ve run out of things to ‘favourite’.

Another week, another bout of struggles.

Enjoy.

Day 17: Greg (A story)


‘Please’
‘Beg ’ Greg thinks as he wraps his massive fingers round her scrawny neck, tightening his hold ever so slowly.

For those who could hear, the room exploded into sound. The tiny wailing of the newborn babe, the final soundless screech of the asphyxiated, dying female as her vocal cords collapsed under tremendous pressure. Finally, the jeering laugh from the humongous bald head as it disappeared, vanishing into non-existence.
————————–
It sits in a dark, cold, lonely room — not even the slightest ray of light penetrates — haunted by the memories of what it could have been.
“3..1..1..1..” it mumbles, thumping its huge ham-fists against the wall. It longs for something it could never attain and this enrages it.

****
Liquid trickling down her thigh; Susan can feel it. It’s time. The moment she’s anxiously waited for is at hand. Nine months of anxiety, apprehension at the joy of supplying life to another being is up.
“Henry, it’s time”, she shouts. A sardonic silence greets her call. Then she remembers. He’s gone and for good too. Irritated by her clinginess she calls again. “Mary! Get down here. It’s time.”
The cook scrambles into the room, apron hanging loose round her neck, strings unfastened round her waist. Dinner is half-cooked.
“It’s time? Surely you can’t mean…It’s a week too early. I mean…”
Flustered and confused, her eyes reflect nothing but pure unadulterated joy. She’s prepared for this scenario though.
“Wait, What’s next?”, she questions herself.
“Mary, quit dillydallying, grab the supplies and help me get up from here!” .
Her senses kick in; she grabs the toilet bag and then the duffel bag containing alternate wears.
“I’ll get a cab madam” she says as she picks up the receiver.

****
Standing, it sniffs the air. Once, twice, thrice, massive nostrils sucking up huge quantities of air each time. The huge bobble-headed creature stumbles along on its stubby legs. That worrisome scent. A smell its perceived once, memorized eternally, marked for decimation. Its steel talon-like nails leave deep gashes in the wall as it drags them along the surface providing guidance its near blind green eyes cannot bestow. For a 5 foot Chuckie, it moves rather quickly.

****
The interior of the ambulance is stifling. Susan can hear the siren blaring as it tears down the highway. Stuck in traffic for two hours, an ambulance was summoned by a panicked cab driver. “Breathe, Madam” an attendant supplies, “Deep breaths.” The contractions are overpowering.
Breathe, a word reminiscent of old Dr McCarron; she can already see his pouched and pallid face.
‘Long inhales and exhales mid-labour and shot puffs like a choo-choo during labour itself’
No, she stoutly refuses to travel down that path but memory sweeps away her repudiation like a leaf within a storm. Thinking of the Dr. reminds her once again of Henry. How many times had they visited his office?
She’d been young and in love then; Stupid and vulnerable. Even now, her naïveté still hurt. How she’d jump to fulfil his every whim. Oh, the sins she’d committed for him and those she still would if he was here. Perhaps the real gift of their love was being abandoned for a Venezuelan model.
“Pregnant huh. Details?” the nurse asks.
“She’s progressed into the final stages, contractions between 10 to 15 minutes.”
Susan comes back to the present when she feels a pair of phalanges invading her nether region. She’s missed being wheeled into the hospital.
“Ah! Her cervix is just about fully dilated. I’d say she arrived just in the nick of time too. Roll her into the ER then!

****
“3..1..1..”
The mantra continues. Its located the abomination’s hideout finally. It slinks into the room, alert for any sign of the monster. Dodging round creatures in faux green hides it searches with nose high in the air. Sniff , sniff then its face broadens into a wild grin. Target sighted.

****
‘3..1..’
Vaguely, she wonders where its coming from. Like an itch within the brain it bugs Susan.
‘..1..1..’
She really wishes it would stop. She stops, looking round, searching for the perpetrator of the chafing incantation.
“PUSH”, a surgeon whispers soothingly, “You’re almost done madam, just a tad more. ” Susan really feels like screaming. The gut-wrenching sensation that deepens into hellish anguish for her is forcing the baby out of her womb. She forgets the chattering and tries for pushing again.
“Almost there, it’s crowning”, the surgeon exclaims for her benefit. “I can see it”.
‘3..1..1..1..’
There it is again.
Blink. Blink. Smile.
She sees it.
Like some wraith from the bottom of her imagination it appears before her, peering curiously over the surgeon’s shoulder.
It pushes.
The surgeon unexplainably flies 5 feet across the room. But not unexplainable to Susan. She saw it push.
It smiles.
She can see it baring its 32 razor sharp canines and she stares into its bottle green eyes.
“Dear Lord”.she whispers. “3..1..1..1..Gregggggg”
Greg? It can’t be!
But between the emerald eyes and the ‘Greg’, comprehension dawns.
Finally, she understands and it fillls her with terror beyond anything she’s ever experienced.

3 for the number of her children she’d murdered.
1 and 1 for the twins she’d murdered, from the heavens to the womb and back again never even touching Earth; Aborted.
And 1 for Greg.
Greg whom she’d abandoned at a nondescript location in a forest knowing he’d die of starvation and hunger or ravished by savage, hungry wolves. All she’d done at the wish of Henry.
Susan can feel the malice of the child-like menace aimed at her. Her vengeful offspring had come for her, literally counting her sins.
“Mercy”, she feebly pleads but all is wasted as she feels its phantom fingers wrap round her collar.
“Mama”, she hears
“Mama”, Greg repeats, green eyes twinkling with impish light.

————-
Story written by @jus_kenny. Thanks Kenny.

Thursday Special: A Mantis Life


Well, as the title says, this is about the life of a Mantis…in pictures. This was inspired by the villain himself, Preying Mantis…and my boredom at work -_-.

This Mantis, like every other human being,loves to start its day in the loo, paying homage to the white porcelain god. Its favourite read of course, is the Mantis Daily, a newspaper filled with interesting news and the latest blog posts.

Don’t we all love refreshing baths? Well so does this Mantis! It relaxes in this luxurious bath tub, plotting evil for all mankind on Blogsville!

Mantis is sadly a single parent. All that bile chased its partner away, leaving him to rear its offspring, baby Mantis. Baby Mantis was enrolled into a kindergarten for Insects to get it away from the house so that its lone parent can finally relax and cause mayhem on the internet.

After school runs, our Mantis comes home to make a quick-lunch. That way, it doesn’t have to be disturbed in its part-time job as a villain. Ladies, our Mantis is a good cook so holla at it if you need help around the house sometimes 😀

After cooking, we have the infestation/Mantis flu on the comment sections of our blog posts.

Before we end this, our Mantis has a word for us!

😀

Thanks Mantis san! Buggy schwaaan!

The End!

(P.s: photographs culled from Dailymail.)

Day 15


“Hell-oh.” greeted the Grim Reaper to his sinful victim.
Lol.
My joke of the day.
So, straight to the point: THINGS THAT NEVER FAIL TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER
Ok!
Well, sometimes these things never work. Anyway in no particular order.

1. Food.
I do indulge in comfort eating when I’m sad or depressed. Not so much food but eating does make me smile. Especially if it’s an Asian cuisine. 😀

2. Books+Music
These work when I’m sad not angry. Fantasy fiction perk me up! I just lose myself. Music as well. Whenever I’m upset, I listen to Disturbed. Awesome band. Mad love for the lead singer David Draiman. Even did a vector art of him! 😀

So yeah, listening to them brings a smile. Heavy metal in totality cheers me up!

3. Working out.
This is for anger. Sometimes I get so pissed off, I get my hula hoop or I do jumping jacks till my muscles start complaining. Works every time but It’s not every time I go into angry workout mode. Sometimes, (like yesterday) I just curl myself into a fetal position on the bed or floor and just think evil things.

4. My little brother
He’s my ultimate cheerer-upper. He’s the only one that actually gives a shit about me at home. When I’m upset he comes up with this stupid indian accent, asking if I need a hug. Cracks me up every time! Or he makes of me till I’m forced to retaliate and we both end up laughing. Sweet boy. 🙂 He isn’t so little..a teen now and taller than I am 😥

5. Art..sometimes!
When I’m angry I draw. The problem with this is that sometimes I’m not satisfied with what I’m drawing and that just makes me madder! >_<!

6. Random conversations.
I've got my Rock Republic family on bbm and they are fun so sometimes, they cheer me up. Then there's Ed my incubus :D, Samuel my best friend and 'lover', Ekwem, Samson my emo, geeky pal and the list rolls. Sometimes, they're not there when I need them the most 😦

So yeah! That's it for today!
See ya!!!!

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