Another day, another rant.
Been under enormous pressure lately and I really, really need to blow some steam off!

So what am I going to rant about?
Some men are just foolish.
Most times, I imagine myself as a man (which isn’t hard to imagine 😦 ) and I know I can do better.
Do you know the ridiculous amount of money some guys spend on girls? That shit is disgusting!

Last year, people on twitter read the gist about the dude that splashed N1.5million on his girl and her friends.
On drinks.
Dem never chop o.
On drinks.
Do you know how many village girls you can marry and tamba for free with 1.5 milla? DO YOU??
Water no dey?
Wooz stron witchu!
It’s not as if at the end of the night he will tamba the girl plus her friends.
No o!
Only one!

If I was a guy ehn I’ll probably be a hermit…Forever alone.
Spend excess money on a girl? Am I mad?
Is her V made of gold? Does it hold the secrets to immortality?
Niggur PLEASE!
And the thing that can pain me is later, the same girls that extort money from their men would be claiming Feminist.
Let me spend 40k on you and you don’t pound yam for a month for me first.
Ya doing feminist.
E be like say you never jam jazz. I go just seal your vagina spiritually.
Dey there.

Look at this.
A girl would call you. Maybe your girlfriend. Maybe your fuck buddy. Una know una selves
“Hey Honey, I’m horny”
You will run to her house and perform.
“Thanks honey”
Chop kiss and go home.
Oya call the same girl to ask for the same thing and she will charge you for her  transport/feeding/house rent/school fees/her friends’ school fees.
Is it fair?
No really. Is it?
You too, kiss and disappear!
Why should you pay for her transport?
My friend, God gave you two legs! Rejoice and waka dey go your house!
It is all part of getting fit. No need to ask you about money for gym subscription later.
Kill two birds with one stone.

I’m not saying don’t spend on your woman.
Note, I said YOUR woman.
Some dudes will be spending on women that have friend-zoned them in hope that they would change their minds.
Brother, your step-mother in the village is playing Ludo with your destiny.
Listen to yourself!
After she don chop your money finish, she’ll gaan marry someone else.
You will be there, biting your fingers in regret.
Otondo Esquire.

Where was I? Ehen.
I’m not saying don’t spend on your woman.
Make her feel special.
(You can only make the  moment special if it doesn’t happen often. Look at Christmas. Once a year. Special. Look at Mother’s Day. Every frigging Sunday in April and May. Not special).
As I was saying, treat her to something romantic and affordable.
Take her to Mr Biggs once in a while and buy her chicken pie.
On a special occasion like her birthday, out of the goodness of your heart, you buy Pepsi and join to the chicken pie.
If she’s complaining, tell her she’s adding weight and return the Pepsi. She can drink water.
Buy her a packet of red candles for Valentine. Non-scented. Why should you buy her scented candles? Is she a priestess? Abi she be ogbanje?
If she insists on scents, buy her an air freshner.

There is a likely chance she will dump you but it doesn’t matter. You’re saving yourself financial stress.
Na her type. After spending over 5 milla during dating, you go ask about bride price and her family will charge you 10 milla.
Maka why. When she don chop half her bride price?
Later you start shedding tears on your wedding day.

It’s better to be forever alone and be a wealthy man than to be forever in debt with a high-maintenance woman.

Your girl will probably hate this advice I’m dispensing freely today.
“Honey, Peruvian hair”
My friend gaan plait shuku, all-back or police cap.
Better still, low-cut. You can share your clipper with her.
It’s all part of love and bonding; shave my hair, I shave yours.
Look at Amber Rose. Sexy low-cut. Is Wiz Khalifa paying for human hair?
“Honey, money for relaxer”
Relaxer ko. Let her go natural! It is good for her scalp.
Buy her a can of locally made oil. Her hair would grow longer and you will have something to pull when you’re hitting it from the back.

She will even attempt to trick you. She will come to your house and insist to cook for you.
Wait for it.
“Honey, money so I can buy foodstuff”
Lai lai! She will overprice the foodstuff.
Tell her to sit down and give you time to go and withdraw money.
On your way, buy the foodstuff you need to the nearest kobo. Collect your change my brother and come house.
“Honey, where is the money?”
“Oh darling I decided to go to the market since it was near the ATM. Save stress for my egovine. My akwa nwa. My sweetie. ”
Story Story.

Umu boys, you gats to sharpen up! Stop wasting your money!
You say investment. You’re investing on her.
Your mates are investing in Properties and shii.
Some are investing IN their own babes (and probably yours sef)
You’re there, investing ON her.
You’re lost brother.

My last advice. If your babe is making trouble about the monetary issue, fine.
Give her the money on one condition.
She will tamba your friends, collect money from them and give to you.
Profit my dear, PROFIT!
She’s probably doing it already for free so you might as well make some money out of a bad situation NO?

I’m done!
Still stressed/bombed out.

P.S: This is an announcement. I will welcome short stories from every corner of the world. Please let me know if anyone you can help or if you know that can. Just a guest thing.
At me bebe! @weird_oo

There! Done!
*Goes back to studying*