Category: humour


Day 5


Hey!
I was going to write something interesting today. I just have this irritating ringing in my ears that is making it hard to concentrate. Decided to post another ‘game’ I of course did three years ago on Facebook. I’d delete my answers and put in new ones.
Here we go!

100 TRUTHS

1. Last beverage→ Is Water a beverage? If no, the the tea I had on Sunday.
2. Last phone call→ Vanteya! ^.^
3. Last text message→ College friend
4. Last song you listened to→ Hades by Kalmah
5. Last time you cried→ Ummm…sometime like that. 😡
♥ HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? Yes.
7. Been cheated on?→ Probably. Did I care? No.
8. Kissed someone?→ *Shows Pro-Kisser badge*
9. Lost someone special? Yea.
10. Been depressed?→ A lot.
11. Been drunk and threw up? → Nope. I can’t waste my money to buy alcohol then throw it up. Am I mad? When my name is not Dangote.

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Black
13. Lapis Lazuli
14. Black (and yellow Black and Yellow :|)
15. Ummm…Black?

HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends → Yes!  ^>^
17. Fallen out of love → I’m too fat to fall. I rolled out.
18. Laughed until you cried→ YES!
19. Met someone who changed you→ Yes 🙂
20. Found out who your true friends were → Yea…i think.
21. Found out someone was talking about you → Yea! Good things sha. 😀
22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Hehehehehe. Mhmm. 😡
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → Not much asides old school mates and the few I’ve met up.
25. Do you have any pets → No
26. Do you want to change your name→ If it were necessary. Siobhan or Hades.
27. What did you do for your last birthday → Was a Saturday. Church praising God.
28. What time did you wake up today → Lol. 9am to turn off alarm. 9.30am to turn off alarm. 10am to switch off phone.
29. What were you doing at midnight last night → Proofreading something.
30. Name something you cannot wait for → Just one? Naruto to end. It haff do.
31. Last time you saw your father → Don’t ask.
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → My ummm…temperament maybe?
33. What are you listening to right now → tapping of keyboards from the laptop
34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Tom Marvolo Riddle? Yes. In my dreams.  (Harry Potter fans would get)
35. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → Hmmm… I won’t complain.
36. Most visited webpage → Spankwire. -_-.
FACTS
37. What’s your name → Chi
38. Nicknames→ Chichi, Weirdo, Chimchim. Chubby Chubs
39. Relationship Status → Nna mehn, I just dey look.
40. Zodiac sign→ Picses
41. Male or female or transgendered→ Trangendered. I was Chinonso before. -_-
42. Primary→ Pampers Private School
43. High School → Rainbow College Senior High
44. College → Tower Hamlets College
45. Hair colour → Black 1B
46. Long/medium/short → Going medium.
47. Height → 5ft 5 inches and some jara
48. Do you have a crush on someone? I want to crush someone. Same thing?
49: What do you like about yourself? → I am nerdy
50. Home Town → Umuonyeagwu/Okija (Fear me beeshes!)
51. Tattoos → No thank you.
52. Righty or lefty → Righty

♥ FIRSTS :
53. First surgery → None
54. First relationship → Ah. I been start early. E don tey.
55. First best friends → Chiemelie from Primary 4 Red and Onyinye from Church
56. First sport you joined → Athletics
57. First pet → None.
58. First vacation→ My village o.
59. First concert → iGospel Concert
60. First crush → Michael Jackson (First and everlasting)

♥ RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → Nothing.
62. Drinking → Nothing
63. Already missing → Someone
64. I’m about to → Go to sleep hopefully.
65. Listening to → Tap. Tap. Tap. Laptop keys
66. Thinking about → When this questioning will be done
67. Waiting for? Christmas break

♥ YOUR FUTURE :
68. Want kids? → Dunno.
69. Want to get married? → Nope. But I can’t stay celibate forever so Yea.
70. Careers in mind → Plenty plenty.

♥ WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
71. Lips or eyes → Will eyes kiss me? Mschew. LIPS
72. Hugs or kisses → BOTH
73. Shorter or taller → Shorter than me? Is he a 4 year old? Hia!
74. Older or Younger → Hehehehe. No preference.
75. Romantic or spontaneous → Umm. No idea. Both?
76. Nice stomach or nice arms → I like my men with slightly pouchy stomachs. ^>^
77. Sensitive or loud → Middle ground
78. Hook-up or relationship → I don’t set P. Rela-tion-ship.
79. Trouble maker or hesitant→ Trouble maker!!! But with sense o biko.

HAVE YOU EVER :
81. Drank hard liquor → Yes.
82. Lost glasses/contacts → Nope.
83. Had sex on 1st date – Nope.
84. Broken someone’s heart → Hobby.
85. Had your own heart broken → Nope.
86. Been arrested → Not yet.
87. Turned someone down → Yes. “I don’t like you like THAT sorry -_-”
88. Cried when someone died → Yes.
89. Liked a friend that of the same sex? → Yea. that is why it’s called a friendship. You like them. -_-

♥ DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself → Sometimes
91. Miracles → In hardwork and Prayers
92. Love at first sight → No.
93. Heaven → Yes. *builds ladder to heaven*
94. Santa Claus → LOL On top wetin?
95. Kiss on the first date? → Well it depends…
96. Angels → Yes

♥ ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/GIRLFREIND? LOL. Back in the day mehn…
99. Wish you could change things in your past? Yea. Getting a D in an essay -_-
100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → NOOOOOOO. -_-

——————————————————

And I am done!
Have a lovely day! See you tomorrow!

Day 3


It’s exactly 3am in the morning and I am here, sneezing and pecking at my laptop keys I was going to put up a story today but decided against it. Been on my Facebook page for reasons unknown to man and stumbled on a funy post i did a long while ago. Decided to erase my old answers and put up a new one.

The instruction : Put your iPod on shuffle and for each question, get a song and write it down. No cheating.  Here we go1

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?” YOU SAY?
Better than me -Hinder

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Why am I the one- Fun

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL
Criminal -Disturbed (God forbid yo!)

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I don’t Care – Apocalyptica / Adam Gontier

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE??
Torn – Natalie Imbruglia (Hia!)

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Oblivion – 30 seconds to Mars

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The World’s Greatest- R Kelly (Yes, I still have this song and YES I AM THE GREATEST!)

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Dirty Little Secret – All American Rejects (Lol. Lips sealed)

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Open and Close – EFA (LOL!)

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
The Devil’s Own – 5Finger Death Punch (:'( )

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Tie me down and Fuck me hard – Concentus (*dies* LOOOL! TRUTH!!!!!! ^_^)

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bonnie and Clyde – Sergie Gainsbourg/ Brigitte Bardot

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Dirty Diana- Michael Jackson (Wahala)

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Keep on Runnin’ – Tom Jones (Run or I’ll eat you. Thirsty FC)

15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Lost- Avenged 7 fold (Why me? 😦 )

16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Would you love a monsterman – Lordi (Mbanu! This is a bad omen. You and who is loving a monster?)

17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Not Ready to die- Avenged 7 fold (LOOOOOL! A bit too late for that isn’t it Chichi?)

18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Dance with the Devil- Breaking Benjamin (Oho! Azonto with Esu.)

19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I’m too sexy for my love -Boliche (LMAO! Deleting this song!)

20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Sons of Plunder- Disturbed

21) WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Collapsing- Demon Hunter

22) HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Asylum -Disturbed ( Oh Lord.)

23) WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET
Some Nights- Fun

24) WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Two wrongs- Wyclef Jean

25) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Lonely Day – System of  down (You have no idea. Sigh)

26) WHY WILL YOU GET MARRIED?
Iron Maiden -The Ises  (Hm..)

27) WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
I Still Haven’t Found What Im Looking For – Disturbed cover. (Big fear)

28) DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Hide and Seek -Imogen Heap

29) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Crush Resistance – Haste The Day (As per Pro-Government? No tainz.)

30) WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
The Beautiful people – Marilyn Manson

31) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
I’m so sick- Flyleaf (Baiclly…)

I am done.
That’s it for today. No idea what tomorrow will bring but post, I WILL.
TEE *sneeze* HEE

Once Upon a Time – A Play


Allo!
C’est moi, Madmoiselle Phantom Pages and today, I have something different for you today!
As you’ve probably realised, I try out diffrent writing styles and genres and today, decided to try for a play!
If you see this play as crazy, then you’re most likely normal because it is crazy but hey, Ideas are ideas!
Hope you enjoy my own story about two Nigerian couples in Jerusalem!

ONCE UPON A TIME

SET: IN JERUSALEM DURING THE TIME OF JESUS

CHARACTERS:

Jesus
Mary
Joseph
The Ogbonnas:, Papa Nonso, Mama Nonso, Nonso
The Ajalas: Iya Moji, Papa Moji
Mary of Magdalene
Crowd.

____________________

ACT I

 

                                                    SCENE 1

                               (In a busy evening market place in Jerusalem, Mama Nonso is seated inside her stall, fanning herself. She occasionally calls to the crowd to purchase her goods. Iya Moji passes by)

 

MAMA NONSO

Iya Moji! well done o! I am greeting!

 

IYA MOJI

(IYA MOJI turns at the greeting. Seeing MAMA NONSO, she walks into her stall and sits down on a stool)

Ah…

(She sighs heavily)

Mummy Nonso bawo…

 

MAMA NONSO

 I am fine o! You’re frowning today. What is the matter?

IYA MOJI

 (Shaking her head sadly)

My dear things have just been poor o. The kind of taxes I have been paying wo! Caesar wan kill person for this place o.

MAMA NONSO

(Tuts in commiseration)

Eyaa…Nne it’s not only you. I haven’t been able to sell anything all day!

IYA MOJI

(Fold her hands under her chin, jerking her knee)

 My dear what can we do? I can’t even get enough fish to sell…

MAMA NONSO

Ah! Why now? What happened to Simon your fisherman?

IYA MOJI

(Hisses)

That one!

(Claps hand and hisses again)

 MAMA NONSO

 (Looking confused)

O gini kwa? Did you two have a disagreement?

IYA MOJI

No o! Disagreement e no dey this one o! The nonsense man decided all of a sudden to stop fishing! All of a sudden! Ah!

MAMA NONSO

(Chuckles)

Biko Iya m. Stop making me laugh. Which one is stop fishing? Simon? That one that had been fishing kemgbe! How now?

IYA MOJI

(Shows MAMA NONSO her hands and places them back under her chin)

It is just like magic o. I heard he now follows that Jesus boy around.

MAMA NONSO

(Looking confused)

Jesus? Which Jesus?

IYA MOJI

Ah Jesus na! Aunty Mary pikin!

MAMA NONSO

Oh that one! Eh… Why is he following him?

IYA MOJI

Ah so you haven’t heard?

(Claps and sighs)

MAMA NONSO

(Holds IYA MOJI’s knee)

Heard what Iya m? Talk na!

IYA MOJI

Mummy Nonso things are happuni o. Jesus say he is the son of God o.

MAMA NONSO

 (Bursts into fits of laughter)

Biko nwa nne m. Repeat yourself. Jesus said what?

IYA MOJI

(Chuckles a little)

Is not a laughing matter ah! Jesus eh. Aunty Mary and Uncle Joseph pikin talk say him be God son o! Mummy Nonso e tire me!

MAMA NONSO

 (MAMA NONSO Laughs harder. She sighs and cleans her tears of mirth)

When this madness start nne? Ha ga kpokwa nke a gini?

IYA MOJI

(IYA MOJI sighs and gets up)

Wo! Me, I am tire! Mummy Nonso make I go house. Papa Moji would come back and be hungry. You know men. They don’t play with food!

MAMA NONSO

(Gets up as well)

Nne I know. Let me leave you nwanyi oma. Sorry I didn’t offer you anything! Greet Baba Moji for me I nu?

IYA MOJI

(Smiles and waves)

 I will. Oya odaabo o. Greet Daddy Nonso and Nonso

(IYA MOJI exits)

 

 

MAMA NONSO

 (Sits back own and fold her arms under her armpit)

Jesus? Son of God kwa? Let Amadioha not strike him dead o! Hia!

(Fades…)

SCENE TWO

(At Aunty Mary’s salon.

Female apprentices are busy washing women’s hair. Mary is walking about, supervising them.)

(Enter IYA MOJI into the salon)

IYA MOJI

 Ah! Aunty Mary. You’re in today. Afternoon ni o!

MARY

(Sees IYA MOJI and smiles)

 Iya Moji. Customer. You’re welcome. Please sit down.

(Makes a chair available for IYA MOJI)

IYA MOJI

(IYA MOJI sits and removes her scarf)

 Ah thank you my dear.

MARY

 (MARY moves behind IYA MOJI and runs her fingers through her hair)

Your usual wash right?

IYA MOJI

 Yes o jare. The hair is itch me bad bad.

MARY

(MARY combs and begins to wash IYA MOJI’s hair)

So Iya Moji how is Daddy and Moji?

IYA MOJI

 They’re fine o. How is Joseph and your children?

MARY

 (Pours water on hair and continues washing)

They’re great. Joseph wants to retire from his carpentry business and hand over to James.

IYA MOJI

Ehen? But is not righti o!

MARY

 (Pauses for a second and continues)

It’s not right?

IYA MOJI

 (Clicks tongue)

Lailai!

MARY

 (Rinsing and patting hair dry)

How is it not right?

 

IYA MOJI

Eh na! The business is supposed to pass on to the first son. The business is supposed to be for Jesus, beeni!

MARY

 (Smiles)

Well…my son Jesus has his ministry. He cannot take on the business. It has to be James.

IYA MOJI

 (Turns to face MARY)

Ah Aunty Mary! So the rumors are true! You and Joseph are letting Jesus go mad up and down? Ah! Aunty Mary! He’s your first son o! You’re supposed to sit him down as his mother beeni! Sit him down and tell him to stop his madness before they arrest him o!

MARY

(Laughs)

Iya Moji it’s not like that. Jesus was called into this ministry. You see I conceived him before I knew Joseph. An angel, Gabriel appeared to me and told me I would bear a son who would be the Saviour of the world. Jesus is the son of God.

IYA MOJI

 (Stands up slowly, a look of disbelief on her face)

I can see where your son got his madness from. Ori e o pe! Instead of you to take my advice and be a good mother you’re here telling me stories. Angel Gabriel appeared to you?

(Claps hands and laughs in derision)

Angeli Gabriel ko. Angeli Malaika ni!

MARY

(Affronted)

I am telling the truth! I was conceived of the Holy-

IYA MOJI

(Interrupts)

Make i hear word abegi! Take your money!

(IYA MOJI drops coins into MARY’s laps and walks away, mumbling about stupid women and angels. MARY stares after her, confused, mouth open)

(Fades..)

SCENE 3

(At the house of the Ogbonnas. In the morning, Mama Nonso, runs out of her house crying and screaming)

MAMA NONSO

PAPA NONSO! PAPA NONSO OOOOOO! BIAKWA! BIAKWA! PAPA NONSO!

(A young man, NONSO, carrying a bag over his shoulder tries to come out of the house but MAMA NONSO runs back and blocks him. She holds his shirt.)

NONSO

(Trying to remove his mother’s grip on his shirt)

Mama leave me alone! Leave me alone let me go!

MAMA NONSO

(Still crying)

I’m not leaving you alone ooooo! Nonso i choro igbu m! You want to kill me! PAPA NONSO!

(NONSO struggles to move past to no avail. PAPA NONSO rushes to the scene and holds his crying wife.)

 

PAPA NONSO

Nwanyi O gini! O gini n’isi ututu a! This early morning! What is it? What is happening here! Mgbo Nonso! What is happening!

NONSO

(Pointing at his mother)

Papa! It’s mama! She won’t let me go and join Jesus and be a disciple!

MAMA NONSO

(MAMA NONSO begins screaming again, throwing herself on the ground)

Ewoooooooooo! Anwula m ooooo! Jesus anapuna m otu nwa m nwere! Jesus has stolen my only son! Anadioha biakwa eeeee!

PAPA NONSO

(Shouts angrily at his wife)

Nwanyi mechie onu! Shut up let me listen to the boy!

(MAMA NONSO stops screaming, biting her fingers, crying silently)

 

PAPA NONSO

(Turns to face his son)

Nonso. Where are you going to?

NONSO

(Sighs)

Papa…I said I am going to join Jesus. Papa he works wonders! He made the mad man down the street well papa! He heals people! I saw it with my own eyes! I believe he’s the son of God and I want to obey his Father in heaven.

PAPA NONSO

(Shaking his head, looking dismayed)

But Nonso you cannot just leave us. You’re our only son. You need to settle down, marry and give us grandchildren eh Nonso nwa m…

NONSO

(Slowly slinks away from the door)

Mba papa! No! Jesus said we should seek the kingdom of God first and his righteousness. I am going. Papa. Mama. God bless you.

(NONSO runs away. PAPA NONSO tries to chase him, screaming for NONSO to come back. MAMA NONSO begins screaming and crying, rolling herself on the ground)

(Fades)

SCENE 4

(The same day, in the afternoon.
At Joseph’s carpentry workshop.
JOSEPH and one of his sons are busy working on a table.
PAPA NONSO walks in with MAMA NONSO.
JOSEPH notices them and stops what he is doing.
He looks confused at their sombre faces)

JOSEPH

(Motions them to a long bench)

 Mr. and Mrs. Ogbonna. Is there a problem? Please seat down.

PAPA NONSO

(Shakes his head)

This is not a sitting matter Mr. Joseph. If we wanted to sit down we’d have stayed at home.

JOSEPH

(Looking confused)

 Ok. I am sorry. Please what is the matter?

PAPA NONSO

(Clears throat before speaking)

The problem is your son Jesus. He has stolen our son Nonso away with his…his cult.

 

JOSEPH

(Sighs and sits down)

Jesus again. If I had a denarii every time someone came here to report about Jesus, I will be a rich man. Today, it’s the Pharisees coming to complain. Tomorrow the Sadducees would come from another corner. Now you people. What am I to do?

MAMA NONSO

(Kneels down, pleading)

Papa Jesus bikozie nu. Just speak to your son. Tell him to bring Nonso back biko. He’s our only son. Otu nwa a m muru…

(MAMA NONSO stays crying again. PAPA NONSO consoles his wife)

PAPA NONSO

(To his wife)

Ebezina nwanyi oma m. Biko o?

JOSEPH

(Sighs and wipes his forehead)

Mr. Ogbonna I’m sorry but I cannot help. Jesus is not my son. I am just a poor substitute for an earthly father. I cannot persuade him to do anything against ‘The will of his Father’. I am sorry.

(JOSEPH goes back to his work. PAPA NONSO consoles MAMA NONSO and they walk away)

 

(Fades)

SCENE 3

(At the Ajala residence)

(IYA MOJI is screaming at her husband who has just been caught sleeping with another woman, Mary of Magdalene. He is wearing only a wrapper. Mary is beside him cowering, trying to cover her nakedness with a cloth hastily tied to her chest)

IYA MOJI

(Screaming at the top of her voice)

OLOSHI! OLOSHI! OLORI BURUKU! ORI E DA! STUPID MAN! SANGO WILL KILL YOU TODAY! USELESS MAN!

(IYA MOJI holds his wrapper and pulling it. BABA MOJI is trying to prise her hands from it)

BABA MOJI

(Trying to hush his wife in a low tone)

 Bukola o da be o! O ti to-

IYA MOJI

(Ignores his pleas and continues screaming)

GBE ENU SOUN! USELESS MAN! YOU’RE NOT ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! BE DISGRACING YOURSELF WITH STUPID SMALL GIRLS. AH! BABA MOJI!

(IYA MOJI leaves him and drags MARY)

 

IYA MOJI

IWO! IWO! Mary Magdalene abi kini oruko e!

(MARY sobbing and covering her face so IYA MOJI‘s slaps land on get arms)

IYA MOJI

Omo oshi! Omo ale jati jati! Useless girl! That’s how you go about sleeping with peoples husbands! O ri e!

 

(IYA MOJI tries to year the wrapper covering MARY‘s nakedness but MARY holds on to it tight)

MARY

(Sobbing)

 I am sorry Ma… Please…

IYA MOJI

Shut up there! Oniranu! Abi you! Mary Mangelina abi Angelina! Angelica nko! Omo odo! They will stone you today!

(People begin to gather at the scene)

IYA MOJI

(IYA MOJI begins to yell at them)

Stone am o! Kill this stupid girl! Idiot! Stone this stupid man I call my husband too!

BABA MOJI

(Begging IYA MOJI)

AH! BUKOLA! STONE ME! Ah! What will Moji say! Bukky! Ma binu!

IYA MOJI

(Continues screaming, tying and untying her wrapper)

Why didn’t you think of Moji when you were between this Omo oshi’s legs! YOU ARE MAD! O RI O PE!

(She tries slapping him but he dodges. The crowd gets agitated and begin to pick up stones. MARY is crying to herself, trying to hide her face in shame. Suddenly the crowd goes quiet and parts. JESUS walks in to the scene)

JESUS

(Turns to IYA MOJI)

Woman, what is happening here?

IYA MOJI

(Glares at him and hisses)

I see you don’t have respect again eh Jesus omo Mary! You’re calling me woman! Is that how to address your elders?

(JESUS ignores her and turns to an onlooker, asking the same question)

ONLOOKER

Mary was caught fornicating with Baba Moji so we’re going to stone her.

JESUS

(Stares at them all and a hush falls)

Is that so? Ah nnkan be…

 

(He squats on the ground, doodling without lifting his head up)

He who is without sin should cast the first stone.

(With that, JESUS ignores them all, still doodling. The crowd drop their stones and slowly disperse. JESUS lifts up his head and it is just him, IYA MOJI, BABA MOJI and MARY there.

 

JESUS

(Turns to MARY and BABA IBEJI)

Where are your accusers?

(MARY shrugs, still sobbing quietly. JESUS turns to IYA MOJI)

 

JESUS

Forgive. As your Father in heaven forgives you your lies and gossip, forgive them. Sin is sin. Your lying is just as bad as their sin.

(Just as JESUS is speaking, PAPA NONSO rushes into the scene, carrying his wife, who looks dead. He comes to JESUS and falls at his feet, crying)

PAPA NONSO

Jesus! Please! Nonso said you perform miracles. Biko! My wife! She just fell down and won’t talk. She’s shaking. Please. Help her!

(IYA MOJI rushes to MAMA NONSO‘s side)

 

IYA MOJI

(Places hands on head and starts wailing)

Ah! Mogbe! Mummy Nonso! Ah! Daddy Nonso o! Ah!

JESUS

(JESUS touches MAMA NONSO‘s forehead)

Rise up and walk

(MAMA NONSO‘s eyes flicker and open. She stands up, looking dazed. They’re all in shock.

PAPA NONSO kneels at JESUS’ feet. BABA MOJI and IYA MOJI follow suit. MARY joins them)

 

IYA MOJI

Ah e jo! Your mother was righti o! You’re the son of God true true! A miracle worker noni!

BABA MOJI

Please! Omo mi! Have mercy on me!

MARY

Yes Sir! Mercy.

JESUS

(Rises)

Go and sin no more.

(JESUS leaves them kneeling and bewildered and walks away. They all stand up.)

 

BABA MOJI

(Turns to his wife)

Iyawo mi. Forgive me. I will never do this again. I will never cheat on you. E jo. Bukky… Omo toh shan.. Ife mi…

IYA MOJI

(Mellows and sighs)

You will not kill me o Baba Moji. Eh…Ok o…

MARY

(Comes forward and kneels at her feet)

I am sorry ma. I will never do this again. This is all I do to feed. I have no other job…

IYA MOJI

(Helps MARY her up)

I have heard you. As a young girl, don’t go and sell your body for money. It is not goodi o! To be breaking marriages ah! Is a evil something beeni! I forgive you. I can employ you in my fish business. I need an assistant. Oya go and dress up first.

MARY

(Gets up)

Ah! Thank you Ma! Thank you!

(She runs inside the house. PAPA NONSO hugs MAMA NONSO)

 

 

 

MAMA NONSO

(Still dazed)

He healed me…

PAPA NONSO

Yes…

 

MAMA NONSO

Nonso…

PAPA NONSO

Nonso is fine with him. Jesus is…He is a God man. Nonso is fine.

(MAMA NONSO sobs softly and scene fades)

THE END o!

———————————————————————————————————

😀

TEE HEE!

The Hunger Games?


Hey! Impromptu post! Something that just came to mind as I was on my way to work! If you haven’t read or watched Hunger Games, you probably won’t fully understand this the way I want you to so do me a favour, WATCH IT! (After  you read…or before you read…whatever)

Anyway, ENJOY!

——————————————————

He slid into her, pacing himself, reveling in her languid moans.
*******************************

“Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to this segment of the Hunger Games event!”

(Crowd cheers)

“This event as we all know, has been going on for quite a while now. Till, date, we have only had 2 winners, emerge from this competition! Today, we shall be having a fresh batch of smerps as they are called, compete for the ultimate price, The Hand of Ova!”

(Crowd cheers louder. Cat-whistles rent the air)

“Oh. This just in. They are getting ready to come in. Ladies and Gentlemen, get ready to be blown! And here they come!! The contestants! A big cheer people!”

(Crowd cheers as the contestants swim into the narrow red tube.)

“We seem to have a huge turn out of contestants today! Let us hear what they have to say! Contestant 1! Let’s start from you. How are you feeling today!”

“Oh I’m ready to go! Flagella’s powered to the max. I know I will win this!”

(Crowd cheers wildly at the confident statement. Contestant 1 strikes a pose, flexing his head.)

“Thank you contestant 1! Let’s go over to Contestant 40! Our last contestant. How confident are you today? Will you survive and do what your predecessors have failed to do in the last three games?”

“Ah yessa. Me gonna win today. Ma momma tole me nota come back if ah lose. Me gonna win even say tis the last ting ah do.”

“Brave! Brave indeed! Though your momma failed to realise that you won’t be coming back if you don’t win as you’ll be dead! HAHAHA! Over to Contestant 15 who is a woman! A stunning one too! What’s your strategy to win honey?”

“I plan on using my charm and amazing beauty to convince the others to let me win”

“Oh smoking! Interesting strategy 15! Too bad you just revealed it so it won’t work would it? HAHAHA!”

(Crowd laughs uproariously)

“Contestant 23! You are dressed weirdly. Won’t these bags hamper your movements as you progress in the games?”

“Oh no. Just watch me. Oh just watch me. He. He. He.”

“Oh interesting chap. Creepy. And that laugh, shivers. It seems the other Contestants are wary of him too! Anyway, enough of the chit-chat. Let’s get the games started! To our contestants, good luck and may the eggs be ever in your favour!”

(Crowd roars as the contestants go to the starting line)

“On your marks. Set. GO!”

“And they’re off! OH! CONTESTANT 23 HAS TURNED ON HIS MATES AROUND HIM! HE HAS REDUCED COMPETITION BY GETTING RID OF CONTESTANTS 5, 27,24 AND 30! AMAZING!”

(Crowd screams, egging him on)

“And first to get into the Great Wall of Uteru is Contestant 1! He is one to watch out for. Deftly avoiding the obstacles and forging ahead. Close behind him are contestants 3, 6, 12…oh and 13 has overtaken 12. Are they pushing? Nice! This I must say is turning out to be a better game than the last one! The contestants are not giving up!”

(Crowd suddenly start cheering and the commentator turns)

“Oh my Eggs! It’s Contestant 23!! He is getting rid of 12 and 13 as we speak! AMAZE-BALLS!! He has left a trail of destruction behind him! ALL OTHER CONTESTANTS BEHIND ARE DEAD! HOW DID HE DO THIS! WOW! Only four contestants are left on the course! We can see Contestant 1 looking back, trying to access the situation. He is losing the valuable lead he had gotten. Contestant 3 is slowly catching up, though I’m not sure what is really egging him on, the will to win or the threat of destruction from Contestant 23! He and Contestant 1 are in the Fallopi tube!  6 is closely behind and 23 is slowly catching up to 6! Oh! Oh my! 6 DOWN! CONTESTANT 6 IS DOWN! WOW! CONNIVING 23! VERY CONNIVING!”

(Crowd screams in jubilation)

“Wow! Contestant 23 is definitely proving to be the crowd’s favorite! They are baying for blood! Uh oh! What is this? Contestant 23 slips! It seems Contestant 3 had a trap set! Wonderful! keeps getting better! We can hear the crowd groan as their Wonderboy falls. He picks himself up and waved cheerily at the crowd. Oh, he’s riling them up! I think he has a plan!”

(Crowd chanting “23! 23! 23! 23!”)

“And he’s off, full throttle! Contestant 3 has overtaken Contestant 1! Oh he’s closing on to the finish line! We can see the price in view, the magnificent Ova! Will 1 catch up before 3 reaches the last stop or does 23 have another trick up his sleeves for us! Can he stop them fast enough to win?”

(The crowd still chanting, start pointing)

“Oh dear! 23 has stopped! I think this is the trick we’ve all been waiting for! This is going to be IT! OH! HE DROPS HIS BAG AND BRINGS OUT A CONTRAPTION! WHAT IS THIS? A MODIFIED SLING? He peers into a lens and clicks!”

(Crowd goes crazy)

“HOLY GENITALIA!!! CONTESTANT 3 IS OUT! SO IS 1! WOWWIDY!! IS THERE ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR CONTESTANT 23 TO DO? HE CLEARLY GOT RID OF COMPETITION WITH THE STRANGE CONTRAPTION! A BRIGHT BEAM OF LIGHT AND WHOOSH! OH? IT’S CALLED A BAZOOKA! HOLY!!”

(Increased yell of “23!” continues)

“And the crowd is loving it! Look at him go! Strutting to the finish line! He stops and waves at the crowd and they’re going crazy! Fantastic! I must say Contestant 23 has been a joy to watch and his devotion to his fans is just top-notch! Wo..”

(Someone in the crowd screams)

“Oh dear! OH MY PRECIOUS EGGS! Unbelievable! The most unbelievable thing just happened! CONTESTANT 23 IS OUT! I REPEAT, HE IS OUT! WE HAVE NO WINNER!!!”

(Crowd boos in disappointment)

“Uh oh the crowd is not happy! Let me explain what just happened here. It seemed Contestant 3 had not died yet! He was able to shoot something at Contestant 23 before he crossed the Finish line! Amaze-balls! And Contestant 3 died immediately after! He must have used up his last energy to fire that bolt of energy! This is what the games are about! This is why we are here! This is the HUNGER GAMES!!!”

(Crowd grudgingly claps, and soon, the applause spreads across the gallery)

“This has been an amazing experience here at the Reproductive Centre! For the fourth time, we have no winner but this undeniably has been the best game so far! How can we forget Contestant 23!”

(Crowd screams at the mention of Contestant 23)

“Ah! Wonderful crowd. Their posthumous support for Contestant 23 has been so great! Thank you very much for tuning in today! I shall be here once again, for the next round of Hunger Games. My name’s Fundus and it has been a pleasure being here today! Thank you once again and GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers and slowly, disperses)

****************************

She sighed in satisfaction.
“Think we probably made another baby?” she whispered
He drew her close and kissed her. “I bet we did”
She smiled and nodded.
“Andy and Jamie need a new sister!”
He chuckled “Or another brother!”
“Bah! Not another boy! I need a mini me”

They laughed and cuddled, and later slept.
No baby was conceived that night.
No winner at the Hunger Games.

—————————

TEE HEE!
😀
COMMENT!

*Gets back to work, listening to the BOSS nag*

Musings of a Bored Somebody


Let me start by saying, THIS IS NOT A STORY.
Ok it is a story but not fiction.
Argh! Whatever!

Anyway, I just felt like writing something very akin to blogposts about lifestyle and all.
I was washing plates and pots on Friday (as usual, slave things :'() and I remembered a story my friend told me. Hilarious something. Decided I’d share as God loves a cheerful giver (I have a Charity btw…only £s thanks).

So, here it goes.
My friend, I’d call K. had this friend; a guy. They were pretty close and there was the ‘chemistry’ a.k.a sexual tension between them.
One day he texts her, saying his grandma died and he needed comforting. K is a really really kind girl (which is why she’s my friend) and she sensed his loneliness and sadness. She went to his house to lend him a shoulder to cry on.
She went into his room because he was on the bed weeping and they cuddled..and you know how cuddles progress (sometimes). From hugs to rubbing noses to ‘mwah’ then ‘mweeh’ then ‘mmmmweeeh’.
Whatever, you get my drift.
So yeah, they were wrapped up in their passion. Bra aka brezzie (Igbo kwenu!) came off and before the adoration of my friend’s awesome E-cup boobs could begin, her phone rang.
(Somebody shout HALLELUYAH!)
Yeah, it was her father and he needed her at home so she apologised to him for the whole ‘shenanigan’ and left.
Some days later, the dude called her, sounding like the world has ended. Dude really loved his granny sha!
K as usual went to his rescue.
On her way to his house, she meets his sister and K being K, hugged her, giving her condolences.
That was when the sister said, and I quote:
“Umm…my grandma died 10years ago”

EHN??
K was baffled and told her about her brother.
The sister confirmed his stupidity by saying, and I quote:
“Don’t mind him. The boy’s stupid”

Then K pieced the jigsaw puzzle in her head.
The boy only wanted the sympathy so that the empathy derived from the sympathy would bring about a synchronisation of the flesh.
A.k.a, he just wanted to set P and his dead grandmother was just the perfect excuse.

Of course, K felt like her kindness was used against her and got angry. She didn’t go back home.
Nooo…that would make the story boring.
She went to his house and his room.
She kept quiet as he was going on and on.
Then he started kissing her.

That was when K gave him a slap to rival that of the HolySpirit.
The shock of the slap of course destroyed every kind of konji in his system.
He was vexed and was raking.
“Why did you slap me!”
Then K revealed the truth to the nigga. Seeing as his lie was exposed, he apologised shamefaced.
Said he liked her but didn’t know how to tell her.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
K, being K, forgave him but they sure didn’t synchronise any flesh.

And that was where the story was cut short because I was dying of laughter and we got sent out of the library for noise-making (by a librarian whom we believed was racist because she always sent out the black people for noise making…even though we made the most noise -_-)
Ladies and gentlemen, Konji na confam baskard.
So, yeah…guys…just how far will you go to set that P?
Why evuls??
Why? Why? Why?

As the critically-acclaimed ‘Valentine’s day’ approaches, many okunrins and obinrins (boys and girls) are booking for their dose of sexual healing and sanctification.
To those who can’t afford the new Blackberry Porsche, 50k dinner and other expensive ‘leg-opening’ gifts, what would be your excuse to set that P?
If you have used an excuse to set any game, what was it?
Please share in the comment section.
I’m bored and I need a laugh.

Tee Hee!

The Curious Case of a Dead Butcher


“Is he asleep yet?”
“Shh! Don’t be so loud! I think he is.”
“Great! About time. The annoying, foolish, disgus…”
“Shhhhhh!!! Can’t you talk quietly Lefty!”
“Ok. I’m whispering. Happy?”
“Yes! Now let’s talk. Now that he’s asleep, let’s plan our revenge on the slimey turd.”
“Yeah! He’s had it coming. The pig! I mean look at the way we look now! All because of him! All red and blistering and fat!”
“Don’t blame your fat on him bozo. You willingly pick up food.”
“Oh shush you Righty! So did you!”
“Yeah and I’m not blaming him”
“Ok! Ok smarty pants. We need to wake up the rest!”
“Argh. Hate talking to those footers! So slow. You deal with them Lefty.”
“Ah I see your implied insult. Bloody wanker!”
“Hey that’s not my fault ok! Now talk to them.”
“Pssst! Footers! Wake up!”
“Mm? That you Lefty?”
“Yeah El! Wake up your sister, Ar”
“Ok. Yo Ar! Wake up!”
“Oooh what now El! Another nightmare? Need a hug?”
“You get hugs from your sister El? Ha! Hilarious!”
“Lefty is that you?”
“Yes it is Ar!”
“You cool babes? How’s Righty? You think you can convince him to marry me?”
“Never”
“Shut up Righty”
“Did I hear Righty’s voice now?”
“Nah Ar! Just me! So yeah, you and El get ready. We make our move in moments!”
“Great! Finally! Revenge! Right El?”
“Right! Can’t wait! All his torture of squeezing me into the most horrible…”
“Shh El. Don’t cry now. We’d get our revenge now ok?”
“Is he really crying?”
“Oh shut up Righty!”
“Righty?”
“Shit!”
“Oops. My bad. Damn my loud Lefty voice.”
“Hey Ar. Looking..good”
“Really! I’m glad you like!”
“Horrible.”
“Shut up Righty and be nice!”
“Yeah yeah Lefty. Ok listen up you two! We move in exactly five minutes. You know the signal. No slagging! Ar, make sure El isn’t slow as usual! He must not jeopardise our plans!”
“I won’t Righty.”
“So you say El, so you say”
“Don’t worry Righty. I’d make sure he doesn’t. After this do you think we could talk about our future?”
“I live in the present Ar. Now everyone, to your position! Freedom and Victory are at our fingertips!”
“Yay! El, to your space! I love you Righty!”
“Yeah, whatever Ar”
“Gee you don’t have to be so mean! She’s a nice gal”
“Oh shut up Lefty. She’s got a flat foot. That’s a no-no.”
“Yeah and you’re perfect aren’t you?”
“Well I’m better looking. And most intelligent.”
“Oh shut up. Who died and made you king?”
“Don’t hate the player Lefty, hate the game. What’s the time? Can you see?”
“Aaah yeah! 3.15am! Its time!”
“Yes! Freedom! Listen Lefty, I’m glad we’ve been together in this! You’re the best sister ever and I love you.”
“Aww Righty, you can be sweet when you want to!”
“Yeah yeah, signal the footers already!”
“Tch. Fine!”
“Its the signal Ar!”
“Yeah El, scream out our plans so he can hear why don’t you.”
“Sorry Righty.”
“Whatever. Are we ready?”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
“You bet bro!”
“Sweet! Let’s roll!”

The man’s eyes jerked open in alarm and surprise as he stood up.
“Wha..?!”
He found himself walking to the kitchen, hands pushing the door open.
“What the hell!”
He wasn’t in control of his body! Why were his hands and feet moving without his permission.
His eyes widened as his right hand grasped the handle of his special meat cleaver he had honed to perfection before retiring to bed. Before he could yelp in horror, the blade swung and severed his left hand with deathly precision. He was too shocked to speak, or feel the pain. Surely he was so shocked, he was imagining his left hand, moving to collect the cleaver from the right hand.
Not.
With two well aimed strokes, his right hand was free from his body. He watched in horror, as the hands clung to his night shirt, scuttling down to his feet, with the cleaver.
He realised what was going to happen but was unable to stop them. He shrieked, trying to kick at the hands grasping his ankles but his feet deftly missed them.
With the first swing of the cleaver on his ankle, he screamed in agony, falling down and striking his head on the formica table. He lost consciousness, giving his hands their chance to work uninterrupted.

“High five Righty!”
“High five! We were brilliant Lefty! Did you hear his scream! Hooter!”
“His scream frightened me..”
“Oh stop being a wimp El and grow some balls…though that might not be such a good idea.”
“High five Righty! You were awesome!”
“Err Ar, you’re a foot. I don’t high five feet.”
“A hug then?”
“Nigga please. Take hold of your brother. We leave in moments! Lefty, open the doors.”
“Roger!”
“Oh when the saints, go marching out. Oh when the…”
“Wow Ar, you have a lovely voice.”
“Really Righty!”
“NO! Now shut up and move! Thinking of our destination.”
“Sheesh bro, why are you so mean to Ar! She just likes you a lot.”
“Bleh. Not my type. Too flat. Too fat. Too hairy and have you seen her bunions! No way I’m hooking up with that! Plus she’s dumb.”
“If you weren’t my brother, I’d hit you! Gee!”
“Oh shush and open the door already Lefty”
“Oh when the sai..”
“SHUT UP ALREADY! We know! We’re marching out! Spare me your horrid rendition!”
“Sorry Righty”
“You better be. El, why are you crying?”
“I’m gonna miss this place Righty. So bad…”
” Oh dear. He’s gay isn’t he?”

——————–

TEE HEE 😀
Hope you enjoyed that!

A Letter to my Unborn Child


I’ve seen a lot of people write theirs and i really couldn’t be bothered to try. Blog’s been quiet for a while so decided to prod my backside and add my own Epistle to the mix!

——————————————————————

(Hope you come out looking this cute! It’s an order-_-)

Dear Child,

This is your mother and she loves you.

Life is shit. Yes, i swore (but if you do, i’d maim you :|) Life is pointless really. It has always been. It will always be. It is up to you to make the most out of it. Nothing remains constant, nothing is permanent. Remember this when you’re going through difficult situations. Nothing is constant…except God. Yes, Him. Find Him Love Him, and He will love you.

Learn to love my child. Do not be like your mother. I pray I’d be there to teach you how to. Maybe by teaching you how to, I’d learn myself. Laugh with gusto; head thrown back, eyes closed, mouth wide open. Laugh! Smile all the time; even though you want to break down and scream or cry. Smile. Make friends. Do not be a recluse. I hope you do not inherit your mother’s agoraphobia. She cringes at the thought of getting to know people. Meet people! Shake hands! Hug! Talk! Laugh! There would always be that someone who you cannot help but dislike. When you meet such a person, be kind. Pay evil with good. Pay harsh words with politeness. Pay crass behaviours with manners. It would piss them off, and it would make you laugh. (if you have your mother’s sense of humour!) Learn how to cry, my love. Yes, cry! Do not keep things in for too long. Depression isn’t a happy place even though your mother enjoys wallowing there. Cry with gusto. Let your tears fall. Scream if you want to. Just cry and feel better, then move on.

Dream, mon cher. Think big. Dream big. Nothing is impossible until it has been tried. Do not let anyone tell you, you cannot do certain things. Mama would always be there to support you. Explore your talents. Try music. Be a dramatist. Run like a sportsman. Stick your head into a book like a Nerd. Mother would always be there to watch you sing, run, perform, debate. Keep your eyes on the stands! Mama is there watching her baby make her proud!

Do not be afraid of standing out or being different! (Sha don’t be gay! Your grandmother would just exorcise you and I’d be too busy laughing at you to help!) Be unique, but with purpose. A bent fork is unique, but useless. Remember that!

Money is just a means to an end. It is not the beginning and the end. Wealth is fickle; comes today, goes tomorrow. Do not depend on it. Be thrifty. You might end up a little stingy. (Your mother is part-Nnewi so…) Save for a rainy day. Do not put all your eggs in one basket! Let the book of Proverbs guide you my little one, and you will not be misguided.

Life is too short.

Always remember that.

Carpe diem.

Mama is no good at pouring out her heart so this is all she can manage without barfing in disgust.

She has a cruel sense of humour so you might have a  weird name. Just remember she chose it with love; whether you end up as Orochimaru or Draiman. You’d be that kid in class with the coolest name. Trust your Ma. 🙂

And with this, she says ” See you  9 after conception! And please don’t inherit your mother’s big head! She’s too lazy to push!”

Je t’aime

A huru m gi n’anya.

x0x0x0

—————————————————————————

And there you have it! 😀

An Ode to Icecream


Yellow and creamy,
Red like strawberry.
Dark chocolate or green,
Oh so sweet!
Give me a bowl, give me a spoon,
Nothing like cool ice cream at noon
Scoop, scoop.
Lick, lick.
Don’t care,
if it makes me sick!

Tee Hee!

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