Category: nonsensical

Day 18- The Gateway

I’ll leave you in the saner hands of Dionysus.



Fallen into a deep sleep, The sweet melody of nothingness embraces me and takes me to a place; A place so formless, so beautiful, so lucid and yet, I don’t remember any of it. They say time flies when you’re having fun. When I am in this place, I close my eyes for just a second and when I open it, I know I have travelled in time to the future. I must have had a lot of fun for time to fly that fast and yet, I am in a passive state. I feel refreshed and it was as if I merely blinked my eye. In between, what really happens? What happens when consciousness leaves? I like to call this place between sleeping and waking life, The Gateway.
What Happens In The Gateway? There are times we have flashes of imagery. Other times metaphors, vivid pictures, vague ideas, abstract concepts, strange voices and many more. We remember all these images so vividly when we sleep but as soon as we wake, we forget them. They say dreaming occurs during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep i.e When our eyes roll under our eyelids during sleep. Its happened to me countless times that I have had the most beautiful of dreams when I sleep and yet when I wake, I can’t remember them. I just know they made me feel good as I saw the images in my sleep but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to recollect what happened.
People also claim to have Out-of-body experiences in The Gateway. They believe we all have an astral body and we can astral project by some deep form of meditation designed to silence the mind. They say the astral body leaves through the pineal gland located in the middle of our forehead. Some call this The Third Eye and say it holds a lot of spiritual powers if awakened. Some say they leave their bodies during sleep and travel the world in their astral bodies. They claim the experience is sort of like first person clairvoyance. Can we really rationalise what goes on in The Gateway? Can we really know what happens in the mental world of an individual stuck in The Gateway? Can scientists observe the flow of blood in the brain and the various chemical reactions that occur in the brain to cause us to dream? Can they isolate certain parts of the brain and cause us to dream while we are awake?..Some shamans believe that what happens when we sleep is reality and what happens when we awake are dreams and illusions. They believe that mankind is forever in a state of deep sleep even though conscious. They are of the idea that if we could remember our dreams during sleep and also decipher its hidden meanings, we would have a true guide to show us the way as we live our lives in conscious waking life.
Another experience that happens during The Gateway is when you are awake and yet you can’t move your body. They call this sleep paralysis. You are conscious of what’s going on around you and your senses are working but you can’t seem to control your body. This has also happened to me many times. Maybe its a mini form of astral projection. Maybe I’m out of my body and I’m sensing things around me. Maybe I’m just too tired and I forgot how to control my limbs. There’s also the recurring dream of falling from a cliff or a high structure and the moment you hit the floor, you awaken. This is accompanied by a subtle pain in your solar plexus. Again, maybe that’s the astral body returning to the original body and falling from a cliff is the mental imagery you get in the dream. There are also wet dreams were you wake up lying in a pool of your own semen. Some say a female demon or succubus is responsible for this. They believe this demon has intercourse with you while you sleep and causes you to ejaculate against your will. Sadly, I also have had my own fair share of wet dreams in my teenage years(perverted mind). It isn’t that I saw myself having sex with a hot dame during sleep, I just know I’m pounding against something and when I cum in my dream, it gushes out like a hose!. I feel as if I’ve filled up a river with semen in my dream but when I wake, its not that bad. That also happens generally in dream life. Your emotions are heightened, senses are sharper and everything seems over-exaggerated. I can’t tell if women have this too. We also hear of the incubus but I don’t know if any female is honest enough to tell us whether she really climaxes in her sleep when the incubus shows up. Are there any physical symptoms of orgasm or he just makes her have morbid fantasies? I’m talking about does she wake up with liquid dripping from her loins or maybe she just has sex with the incubus in her dream and there are no signs when she wakes?
Life has many mysteries and he who is to know life has to first know Self. He has to know the reason Why. The root Why from where all the other small why’s spring from. There’s always one sole reason why we do what we do and it usually comes from a feeling of lack within. Its a seed planted in our mind. Like a hydra, the more we cut the head off and try to ‘fix’ this lack, the more heads pop out, the more why’s grow till there are stems, branches and leaves of whys in our minds. In The Gateway however, abnormal things happen. You might see yourself in a garden surrounded by white doves one moment and then the next moment, your stomach is drilled with a chainsaw by a loved one. That is the hidden message in The Gateway. Irrationality. Maybe sometime in the near future, scientists would understand what happens to us when we sleep but for now, what we can get from The Gateway is Irrationality. All our understanding is limited, biased and tailored to keep us in our shell forever screaming from our prison cells, telling our other inmates we are free. We who live in ‘society’ are all sentenced to life imprisonment from the moment we are born. Mankind has only two natural drives or instincts. The Desire for Self Preservation and The Desire to Reproduce. Concepts like money, language, Tv, Marriage, office, education, politics etc are a perversion to the instincts and are all artificial stimulants. As man climbs the ladder of what society calls success, he is erecting the bars to his prison cell firmly with his own hands. When he does all that is expected of him by ‘Society’, he would have built a large prison for himself, forever locked away from the outside world. There are also those who don’t follow what ‘Society’ tells them to do and again, these ones still end up in prisons built by their own hands. Only thing is their prison is more wretched and dilapidated. What is the way out? What does The Gateway teach us?
Irrationality is the only rational state of mind. We can never know where we are going cause we don’t know where we came from. How can you finish something when you don’t know where you started from? There are a billion paths you could choose to follow in life so how do you know that the One out of a billion you chose is the right one? Is there any judge that would tell you these things in the end? What if he told you, sorry son, you followed the wrong path.. Would that console you or crush you and the feeling of consolement and being crushed, what does it really mean? Do you really feel it or you think you feel it? Can any feeling ever occur without a subtitle in the form of thought playing in your head? Why is it some thoughts occur without you thinking about them and you feel good doing them while some other thoughts occur and you keep thinking about them and feel bad when you try to do them? Irrationality is the solution to all this..
Just like The Gateway, we should fly through time and shatter the senses. We should destroy our linear form of thinking and reasoning. We are all sentenced to life imprisonment and we can’t escape it. The only way to deal with this is to have this irrational belief that we are free, that we can can escape our prison. Although, we might never break out of prison, trying to break out is the most rewarding experience in life, even though painful at times. Don’t try and remove the log in your eye, endure the pain and enjoy the view. Believe that there is no log. The inner life is all there is. We believe that there is a world out there because our eyes see far ahead but everything out there occurs in the brain, your brain. The human body is what we use to communicate with the outside world and the outside world is just a projection of the inner world. Apart from nature, everything we see out there was created inside someone’s mind. A diseased mind would see a desolate world of suffering and apathy even if you gave him a thousand pieces of gold while a clean mind would see a different world. Waking life is filled with distractions. These distractions are designed for us to escape ourselves. Everyone is moving, talking, looking, listening, smelling, tasting, feeling so the mind is never at rest forever bombarded by foreign stimulus. What is the aim of all this struggle in the end? We have to eventually come to the conclusion that there is no aim. Only then can we attain liberation through Irrationality. The Struggle is the Aim. To cleanse your mind is to start doing what you wouldn’t normally do, Irrational things. Only then can you find the path that leads to The Gateway and harness its power in waking life.

Day 17

So it’s Monday and I know how we all love Mondays. Oh you didn’t get the memo? LOL. -_-
Yes, we love Mondays and I decided to write about something i tweeted last evening.

Disclaimer: Blame this shit on Caffeine.

So saw a Retweet about a Sex playlist and this shit struck me as funny. Apparently, some of you have songs you want to have sex to?
How does that work?
When do you put on the music or when is the right time to put on the music? I’m asking girls because guys don’t do that shit. (If you do, you’re gay, in which case, you’re a chic.)
Let me get this straight:
You and a dude all giggly and messing around, soon the play kisses get intense. You undress. Dude is ready to charge and you say “Hold on let me put on some music.”
You now put on some gay ass song with a gay-ass singer (Hey Trey) singing about sex and that shit supposed to be romantic?
If I were a guy, my erection would die instantly. I mean why the hell would I want to listen to some guy telling me he wants me to touch his body?
Or is it R-Kelly? What if the song you put is the guy’s fave song and dude FUCKING STARTS TO SING AND TWERK INSTEAD OF GIVING YOU SOME!!!!? WTF IS THIS?!!
Niggas be thrusting and shii and all of a sudden, a couple of other naked niggas appear and y’all break into a fucking dance. That’s what I think of when I hear ‘SEX PLAYLIST’.

How does that even work with quickies? Say he’s driving and suddenly feels the need to offload (It happens!). He parks the car and leads you into a bush.(It happens!) He’s tryna raise your skirt quickly because you’re wearing no underwear (IT BLOODY HAPPENS!) And all of a fucked-up sudden you say something like “Hold on, let me get my phone”
Mans would think you wanna put it off or something and you scroll to the Sex Playlist on your phone and click play?
If I was yo man, I’d leave your music-loving ass in that bush, walk to my car and drive off! I hope your music attracts some wild-ass animals to taste your MUSIC. LOVING. ASS! LET’S SEE HOW YOU’D LIKE THAT!

If I were to make up a sex playlist, I’d make it an Igbo traditional music. Have you heard the drums on them things? FAST!
I would expect the guy to pump in time or faster to that. Now THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
But let’s be real, no sane guy would agree to shag to that cause his faggoty-ass don’t gat no rhythm!
That’s some hip-shaking music! That’s the way to conceive FUCKING CHAMPIONS! Hercules wasn’t conceived to bloody Akon singing ‘I just Had sex’ in the background!
If you ain’t gonna do some Igbo Heavy Metal, TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!!
Let us both scream and make our own music; well in my case, you scream in pain and I scream in laughter.

The only reasonable reason I see why you’d want to play music is so no one knows what you doing. In which case, I suggest you to just put on a bloody Christian song. But you wouldn’t would you? You can’t get your groove on with Akanchawa playing in the background can you? Because it would feel like Jesus is watching yo wide, naked ass, calling some next guy yo daddy. You dirry, dirry girl!
If you wanna mask the sound so bad, listen to Celine Dion. But is that possible? I mean one minute he’s pulling your hair the next y’all are hugging and crying, singing “Every night in my dream, I see you, I feel you…”

As I said in my tweet, If you have the time to put on music, the you really aren’t horny to be frank with your thirsty-ass self. I mean it’s  a NEED! Your body is SHAKING! LIKE GRRRRRRRR AMMA GRIND THIS GUY TO THE GROUND! AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR MUSIC AT THIS POINT!
Maybe after the 15th or 16th round when his weak-ass is near death, then you can play some music to revive him, Nahwhamsaying??

If you REALLY insist on a song, I’ll recommend one. Ladies, this song would tell your man exactly what you want. I recommend this STRONGLY.

Tie me Down by Concentus.

Tie Me Down and Fuck Me (Hard)
tie me down – fuck me hard
tie me down – fuck me hard
tie me down – and fuck me hard

come tie me down – bring the cuffs (At this point his sorry-ass better be working!)

come strap me in – and make me sin
come suck me dry – until i cry
come fuck me hard – until i’m sore (AHMEAN!!!!! PREACH!)

make me scream
make me bleed
make me scream
make me bleed 

tie me tighter
ride me harder
ride me till i can’t speak or scream

tie me down – fuck me hard
tie me down – fuck me hard
tie me down – and fuck me hard

come strap me down – bring the whip

come strap me in – and make me sin
come suck me dry – until i die (Ok. Pause. Dafuq…?)
come fuck me hard – until i bleed

tie me down – fuck me hard
tie me down – fuck me hard
tie me down – and fuck me hard

never foreplay
come on and tie me down – never foreplay (This right here is the bridge. THIS IS WHERE YOU GO FOR GOLD LIKE YOU IN DA OLYMPICS!)
come on and fuck me hard – never foreplay
come on and suck me dry – never foreplay

tie me tighter
ride me harder
ride me till i can’t speak or scream (HE BETTER OBEY DAFUGGING INSTRUCTION SISTAH!!!)

Wanna know the beauty of this song? IT’S FRIGGIN’ EIGHT MINUTES LONG! It’s long enough for a round! AND YOU CAN BLOODY PUT IT ON REPEAT!

If yo man runs outta the house clothes in hands once it starts playing, HE AIN’T MAN ENOUGH!
If he breaks up with you cos he thinks your preedy ass is psycho, HE. AIN’T. MAN. ENOUGH!

It’s that simple.

I am done.

Have a lovely Monday. I know I will…

Disclaimer: Blame this shit on Caffeine.
In case you didn’t see it the first time, bloody bat-eyes.

Day 6

Well today’s post is courtesy of an idea by @nosmaass_EFX.
Jaded mood so pardon me if I stop making sense. I’ll be writing on Music.

Those who know me know my favourite music genre is the almighty Rock and Roll. I love Rock.
Before, the opinion about Rock was all ‘OMG Demonic music’ Yada yada. I am not writing to disabuse you of that notion. Believe whatever the fuck you want.
I love  Rock mostly for one this: Guitar solos.
A rock song is like a sacrifice. The worship builds up until the bridge where the guitar solo comes in. That is the highpoint for me; the point where the virgin’s head is cut off for sacrifice. The Crux!
Life fades way for me at that moment. My whole being is concentrated on extracting the nectar from what I am listening to.

Take a song like Sweet Child O’ Mine by Gunz’n’Roses. If you haven’t listened to this song, do. Old skool beauty. When Slash takes up the solo, I am lost.
I feel this crazy euphoria inside me. My heart pounds. My hands shake. My eyes become blurry with tears. My body unites and merges. In my head, I am the guitar and Slash is using his fingers on me. I rock to and fro, I hug myself. I try to dance but my legs feel too heavy. The rhythm weighs me down. I lay down and cover myself, praying for it to go on forever. This madness stops when Slash’s solo is over. Moments like these are the reasons I’ll forever adore Rock and Roll.
Another song Hysteria by Muse. The chorus gets me. Then the Solo. Lord Jesus, the solo! I have tears in my eyes EVERY TIME IT STARTS. I’ll probably go to a Muse concert with a box of tissues. I’ll bawl my eyes out. Lol. Listen to this song. Even if you don’t like Rock. Listen. You won’t regret.
Third song I’ll recommend for good guitar solo, Far From Home by Five Finger Death Punch.
Solos touch something dormant in me. There is a garden of Eden inside us and beautiful music taps into that core. I feel like a baby after a particularly good song; incapable of hate. Of course it fades (because reality is shit) and I have to tap into  it again and again.

Note, these songs are not Metal. I know Metal isn’t everyone’s cuppa so won’t go into it.

That is the beauty of Rock. There is something for everyone.  The genre is so diverse, some sub-genres would soon become genres.

As much as I love Rock, I love other genres as well; Jazz, Old Funky tunes, Old Skool Head bobbing hip hop.

The thing with music is that I am attracted by instrumentals. Heavily.
I am not a lyrics person. Couldn’t care (most times) what is being said. I just want to immerse myself in the melody; the harmony. The discordant arrangements of music that somehow manages to blend in the ears.
It’s all about the background music to me. In fact, I do think the singers are the background noise; they’re the accompaniment. They can shut up and the song would still be as beautiful.

My music list is a weird mix: Death Metal bands like Kalmah, vying for space with James Brown, Elvis Presley and Tom Jones.

I was going to talk about how Music acts as a spiritual gateway for summoning celestial beings but I doubt you wanna know about that…or If I wanna write about it just yet.

That’s it really. Hope I feel better.
Have a good day.


Day 5

I was going to write something interesting today. I just have this irritating ringing in my ears that is making it hard to concentrate. Decided to post another ‘game’ I of course did three years ago on Facebook. I’d delete my answers and put in new ones.
Here we go!


1. Last beverage→ Is Water a beverage? If no, the the tea I had on Sunday.
2. Last phone call→ Vanteya! ^.^
3. Last text message→ College friend
4. Last song you listened to→ Hades by Kalmah
5. Last time you cried→ Ummm…sometime like that. 😡
6. Dated someone twice? Yes.
7. Been cheated on?→ Probably. Did I care? No.
8. Kissed someone?→ *Shows Pro-Kisser badge*
9. Lost someone special? Yea.
10. Been depressed?→ A lot.
11. Been drunk and threw up? → Nope. I can’t waste my money to buy alcohol then throw it up. Am I mad? When my name is not Dangote.

12. Black
13. Lapis Lazuli
14. Black (and yellow Black and Yellow :|)
15. Ummm…Black?

16. Made new friends → Yes!  ^>^
17. Fallen out of love → I’m too fat to fall. I rolled out.
18. Laughed until you cried→ YES!
19. Met someone who changed you→ Yes 🙂
20. Found out who your true friends were → Yea…i think.
21. Found out someone was talking about you → Yea! Good things sha. 😀
22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Hehehehehe. Mhmm. 😡
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → Not much asides old school mates and the few I’ve met up.
25. Do you have any pets → No
26. Do you want to change your name→ If it were necessary. Siobhan or Hades.
27. What did you do for your last birthday → Was a Saturday. Church praising God.
28. What time did you wake up today → Lol. 9am to turn off alarm. 9.30am to turn off alarm. 10am to switch off phone.
29. What were you doing at midnight last night → Proofreading something.
30. Name something you cannot wait for → Just one? Naruto to end. It haff do.
31. Last time you saw your father → Don’t ask.
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → My ummm…temperament maybe?
33. What are you listening to right now → tapping of keyboards from the laptop
34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Tom Marvolo Riddle? Yes. In my dreams.  (Harry Potter fans would get)
35. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → Hmmm… I won’t complain.
36. Most visited webpage → Spankwire. -_-.
37. What’s your name → Chi
38. Nicknames→ Chichi, Weirdo, Chimchim. Chubby Chubs
39. Relationship Status → Nna mehn, I just dey look.
40. Zodiac sign→ Picses
41. Male or female or transgendered→ Trangendered. I was Chinonso before. -_-
42. Primary→ Pampers Private School
43. High School → Rainbow College Senior High
44. College → Tower Hamlets College
45. Hair colour → Black 1B
46. Long/medium/short → Going medium.
47. Height → 5ft 5 inches and some jara
48. Do you have a crush on someone? I want to crush someone. Same thing?
49: What do you like about yourself? → I am nerdy
50. Home Town → Umuonyeagwu/Okija (Fear me beeshes!)
51. Tattoos → No thank you.
52. Righty or lefty → Righty

53. First surgery → None
54. First relationship → Ah. I been start early. E don tey.
55. First best friends → Chiemelie from Primary 4 Red and Onyinye from Church
56. First sport you joined → Athletics
57. First pet → None.
58. First vacation→ My village o.
59. First concert → iGospel Concert
60. First crush → Michael Jackson (First and everlasting)

61. Eating → Nothing.
62. Drinking → Nothing
63. Already missing → Someone
64. I’m about to → Go to sleep hopefully.
65. Listening to → Tap. Tap. Tap. Laptop keys
66. Thinking about → When this questioning will be done
67. Waiting for? Christmas break

68. Want kids? → Dunno.
69. Want to get married? → Nope. But I can’t stay celibate forever so Yea.
70. Careers in mind → Plenty plenty.

71. Lips or eyes → Will eyes kiss me? Mschew. LIPS
72. Hugs or kisses → BOTH
73. Shorter or taller → Shorter than me? Is he a 4 year old? Hia!
74. Older or Younger → Hehehehe. No preference.
75. Romantic or spontaneous → Umm. No idea. Both?
76. Nice stomach or nice arms → I like my men with slightly pouchy stomachs. ^>^
77. Sensitive or loud → Middle ground
78. Hook-up or relationship → I don’t set P. Rela-tion-ship.
79. Trouble maker or hesitant→ Trouble maker!!! But with sense o biko.

81. Drank hard liquor → Yes.
82. Lost glasses/contacts → Nope.
83. Had sex on 1st date – Nope.
84. Broken someone’s heart → Hobby.
85. Had your own heart broken → Nope.
86. Been arrested → Not yet.
87. Turned someone down → Yes. “I don’t like you like THAT sorry -_-”
88. Cried when someone died → Yes.
89. Liked a friend that of the same sex? → Yea. that is why it’s called a friendship. You like them. -_-

90. Yourself → Sometimes
91. Miracles → In hardwork and Prayers
92. Love at first sight → No.
93. Heaven → Yes. *builds ladder to heaven*
94. Santa Claus → LOL On top wetin?
95. Kiss on the first date? → Well it depends…
96. Angels → Yes

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/GIRLFREIND? LOL. Back in the day mehn…
99. Wish you could change things in your past? Yea. Getting a D in an essay -_-
100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → NOOOOOOO. -_-


And I am done!
Have a lovely day! See you tomorrow!

Day 3

It’s exactly 3am in the morning and I am here, sneezing and pecking at my laptop keys I was going to put up a story today but decided against it. Been on my Facebook page for reasons unknown to man and stumbled on a funy post i did a long while ago. Decided to erase my old answers and put up a new one.

The instruction : Put your iPod on shuffle and for each question, get a song and write it down. No cheating.  Here we go1

Better than me -Hinder

Why am I the one- Fun

Criminal -Disturbed (God forbid yo!)

I don’t Care – Apocalyptica / Adam Gontier

Torn – Natalie Imbruglia (Hia!)

Oblivion – 30 seconds to Mars

The World’s Greatest- R Kelly (Yes, I still have this song and YES I AM THE GREATEST!)

Dirty Little Secret – All American Rejects (Lol. Lips sealed)

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Open and Close – EFA (LOL!)

The Devil’s Own – 5Finger Death Punch (:'( )

Tie me down and Fuck me hard – Concentus (*dies* LOOOL! TRUTH!!!!!! ^_^)

Bonnie and Clyde – Sergie Gainsbourg/ Brigitte Bardot

Dirty Diana- Michael Jackson (Wahala)

Keep on Runnin’ – Tom Jones (Run or I’ll eat you. Thirsty FC)

Lost- Avenged 7 fold (Why me? 😦 )

Would you love a monsterman – Lordi (Mbanu! This is a bad omen. You and who is loving a monster?)

Not Ready to die- Avenged 7 fold (LOOOOOL! A bit too late for that isn’t it Chichi?)

Dance with the Devil- Breaking Benjamin (Oho! Azonto with Esu.)

I’m too sexy for my love -Boliche (LMAO! Deleting this song!)

Sons of Plunder- Disturbed

Collapsing- Demon Hunter

Asylum -Disturbed ( Oh Lord.)

Some Nights- Fun

Two wrongs- Wyclef Jean

Lonely Day – System of  down (You have no idea. Sigh)

Iron Maiden -The Ises  (Hm..)

I Still Haven’t Found What Im Looking For – Disturbed cover. (Big fear)

Hide and Seek -Imogen Heap

Crush Resistance – Haste The Day (As per Pro-Government? No tainz.)

The Beautiful people – Marilyn Manson

I’m so sick- Flyleaf (Baiclly…)

I am done.
That’s it for today. No idea what tomorrow will bring but post, I WILL.
TEE *sneeze* HEE


This isn’t a story; a musing of some sort.
Listening to Disappear by Hoobastank and my eyes are suddenly becoming teary. No, I am not sad. Wistful.
The first time i heard this song, I was about 15 and it was on Rickdees.
I still remember how reality faded as I listened to the lyrics.
“Do you know that every time your near, everybody else is far away?”
No, i wasn’t a teenager in love. I had no love then but these words moved me.
I remember i recorded the song. I’ll sit in my room, phone in hand, listening to Disappear. Hot Sunday afternoon, aunt in the kitchen screaming my name. I would hear no one.
“Make them disappear. Make them disappear!”
I would mutter these words like a mantra.
Make them disappear.
I love it when songs have these kinds of effect on me.
Another song that reminds me of these teenage years, Sugar We’re going down by Fall Out Boy.
This was more jaunty. I would kick my feet in the air and do an air tap dance to the beats.
My aunt would come in and switch off the radio and order me into the kitchen. I just pilfer her phone and I am back on Rickdees.

The Reason by Hoobastank would come on and I’ll find myself crying. Again, i didn’t have a love or some broken relationship. There was just this sadness i could detect in the lyrics.
“I’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be. A reason to start over now. And the reason is you”
Yes, i used to tell myself that if i eventually had a boyfriend and he hurt me, if he sang this song to me, I’ll forgive him. Not sure about that now; might still be the same. Or not.

Another one was Photograph by Nickleback. This, i first heard with my dad. One of the few memories i remember of him listening to a song with me in silence. Normally, he’ll switch it to something else. When the song ended, heard him murmuring “Good bye, good bye” and i had a funny smile on my face.
It was cute.
This song also touched me because I always had this fear of leaving my classmates after school. And this song was about reminiscing on old days.
Funny thing is i am listening to it now and remembering old school days. My friends and I would listen faithfully to the radio, waiting for whatever rock song got played. We’d write it down and come to class, singing and making up out own words.
Children of the Radio. Faithful to the stereo.
We never eve touched that dial.
Disappear is playing again.
I should sleep.

Halloween Special

Feel like writing.

“Trick or treat?” The hooded child asked.
Without a word, I shut the door.
“Bloody Halloween kids” I grumbled, sitting back on the sofa and picking up my book.
The doorbell rang again.
I sighed and dropped my novel. I really hate Halloween nights.
Bloody kids!
I yanked the door open.
The same kid.
“Told you to fucking scram didn’t I!” I shouted. He was quiet and I immediately felt guilty. I shouldn’t swear at youngins.
“What is your name?” The boy asked in a quiet voice.
My name? Against my own volition, I told him.
He repeated my name, as if practising.
“Ok Chichi” he said and raised his head to look at me. At that instant, the security lights went off.
I didn’t see his face.
He pulled his hood back down and the lights flickered back on.
I suddenly felt disturbed and without another word, I shut the door and locked it.
No more answering the door.

I could not concentrate. Something I couldn’t put my finger on niggled the back of my mind like a worm.
Upset and tired for no reason, I decided it was time to sleep.
I live alone.
I don’t know why this thought came unbidden to my head as I brushed my teeth.
I lived alone.
Shaking off my disquiet, I jumped into bed and switched off the lights.
On a normal day, listening to the creaks of the house soothed me to sleep but not today.
Every groan sounded like an invasion. Every creak, like someone was in the house with me. The house seemed colder. I huddled under my duvet, trying to stay warm.
My rational mind forced me to stop with the foolishness and sleep.
After tossing and turning, I managed to drop off onto a troubled sleep.

I run.
Trick or treat?
I’ve got no bloody sweets kid!
Trick or treat?
What’s your name?
Trick or treat?
Run faster.
One stinking sweet bitch!
One. Stinking. SWEET!
Cold, small hands grab my ankles and long, sharp nails dig in.
I scream.

I woke up in sweat, shivering as my body fluids dried on my skin. I groaned and stretched my hand to flick the switch on my bedside lamp.
“One stinking sweet”a voice whispered.
I turned sharply.
I saw no one.
“One stinking sweet!”
My eyes widened. It was that child’s voice!
Suddenly I felt clammy hands grab my ankles.
I screamed, trying to kick off my invisible captor. The hands multiplied on my skin, pinning my arms to my sides and holding my head steady.
I felt something cool touch my cheek.
With sharp pain came recognition…and terror.
A knife.


Knife wounds decorated her face.
He had stuck the knife inside her mouth when he got tired of stabbing at her eyes.
He walked towards her and gently removed the knife.
He checked the clock on her bed stand.
“Not too late” he whispered.
He bent close to her lacerated ear and whispered.
Suddenly, she coughed, blood spraying her night shirt.
He stepped back and watched her.
She shrunk before his eyes.
When the transformation was complete, he helped her out of the bed.
“Come” he whispered gently, giving her a hooded cloak.
“Work to be done.”
Slowly, she nodded.


Juliet grumbled as she paused the movie on her laptop.
She opened the door and frowned at the two hooded children standing outside.
“Trick or treat?” One of them whispered, a girl.
“Go somewhere else!” Juliet grumbled and tried to shut the door.
The other child stuck his leg in the way.
“What is your name?” He asked
Juliet frowned. “Juliet. So?”
The two children repeated her name and her security lights went off.


Three hours later, three children rang a doorbell.

Thursday from Hell

Been unable to write.
Still unable to write.
Not for lack of ideas, nay Ser.
I. just.can’t.write.

So decided to try writing on how my wonderful day went.

It began with waking up at an awkward angle, elbow tucked in a position i can hardly remember now. With careless ease, i tried changing sides and that was when it hit.
Exquisite pain.
I left my mortal body and came back.
After whimpering like a wounded goat, finally got out of bed and managed to shower.
Had to get to work.
I debated staying home, but nay.
Pay day Thursday.
Took me forever and some minutes to dress up and leave the house.
No breakfast. Painkillers, i assumed were in my bag.
Walked to an offlicense shop that sells chinchin.
It is my drug.
Judge if you like.
Missed my bus just for that.
Went to shelf.
No chinchin.
I whimpered inside.
Pieces of my life crumbled away as i bought the driest sandwich i ever ate, ass I would find out on the bus.
The bread is still stuck in my throat somewhere.
Jump two buses to get to work.
Hit my hurting elbow hard..several times.
Suffice it to say by the time i got to work, i was a blubbering, sobbing mess.
Settled down. Had lunch.
Check bag for painkillers.
Left it on the bed.
Work mode.
I suspect my boss forgot whatever medication he takes for his ‘whatever’.
Everything was a scream.
My elbow was driving me mad.
He was sitting so close and screaming so loud.
My old scars began itching.
Yes, several times, i contemplated smashing the talking old man’s face in.
Only the pain would have upset my elbow.
Closing time couldn’t have come any faster.
Waited for bus.
Began raining.
No umbrella.
Waited in the little shelter the bus stop provided.
Got in one.
Should have remained in the rain.
I entered a bus going to hell.
My headphone were stuck to my ears.
Music at its loudest.
I sat (unknowingly) in between the devil and his first born child.
The devil was in front, screaming into his phone.
Yes, i could hear him over my loud music.
Someone was owing him money.
I was ready to pay him whatever amount to shut him up.
He quieted.
I whispered hallelujah.
The the devil’s first born began coughing.
Again, i could him over my music.
The noise startled me.
Elbow hit board.
Bit my lip hard to stifle my scream of pain.
Bloodied lip.
As i was praying for the bus to get to my bus stop, the devil’s father revealed himself.
Someone farted on the bus.
Noxious, disgusting, choking smell that brought tears to my eyes.
The father of Satan didn’t wait for the smell to disperse before releasing another one.
At this point, I was ready to stand up and address my fellow travellers.
For the love of God! Make una moderate una mess na!
I didn’t.
I am a wimp.
Yes, i was on a highway to hell.
Bus finally got to stop, my next bus was just in front.
Wanted to run for the bus.
But oh no.
The devil’s grandmother was before me, reliving her wedding day, waddling slowly like it was a FUCKING WEDDING MARCH!
Missed bus.
No bus at the station.
Sitting right here, getting cold, thinking about life.
Thinking about the second dry piece of sandwich in my bag.
I should bin it.
Or wait..
Might just be hungry enough soon.
Listening to Chris Brown, asking me to look at him.
Something niggling the back of my mind.
I open my bag.
Left my paycheck at the office, on my desk.


I know, I know. I haven’t written anything here.
Suck lemons. Inspiration cannot be picked up on the streets.

Having a bad day and you know what i get like when I have those. Yes, cranky.

This isn’t even a rant.
More like a bitter review.

I am sure most of you knew about Bag of Rice Ross coming to Lagos et al.


Decided to evaluate the dress sense/looks of the some people that attended.

I got these pictures from so you can go there to see everything.
Don’t even know if it is legal to cull the pictures but I’m just too tired to care ok?

Right here, I’m just going to pick the bad ones.
What? I am nice.


Number 1, this lady.

I am actually struggling to understand what is going on.
1. I love the jacket.
Everything else is unsightly. Should I start from below?

1. The shoes. HORRENDOUS. Horrendous design. Horrendous colour.
Horrendous style that doesn’t go with her ensemble.

2. Those trousers. Either it was an artistic idea of a deranged tailor, it it was a bad attempt at tacking up torn trousers with pins.
What would have happened if she had worn plain black trousers??

3. Turtle necked shirt+ the chunky thing on her neck.
I will just LOOOOL and move to the next picture please. Can’t look at this for long.


Eva Alordiah.
I love Eva’s music.
I love her style..sometimes.
This, is a lesson on Doing too much.
I understand the fact that she’s trying to go for the ‘Rockstar’ look.
This right here, went to the Rockstar look bus stop, passed it, and stopped at the Mildly insane bus stop.
Any further and she’d have looked like Denrele.
I mean. The leather jacket is so friggin cool. Why add the leather gloves?
Not just one, BUT TWO!
And the gaudy baubles that she adorned her fingers with are just too damn poor!
Love the skull ring. Does it work here, Not for me!


I have only two words to say about this:


Bikonu what is this?
This…This is just..i don’t even know.
Pretty lady, from her waist up.
I won’t even start with the fact that this was worn in Nigeria.
The boots just did not work.
Not one bit.
My Chi says no to this.


Some jokes just tell themselves.
Where do i start from?
I mean, this is a Rick Ross fan if I’ve ever seen one.
Built like him dammit!
And the dress?
Good Lord. Can your Precious blood wash away even this sin?
*cries into teacup*
The hair. The bag. The shoes. The…EVERYTHING.
I’d recommend a meeting with Toolz O for this lady.
She seriously needs that Body Magic Toolz O uses.
That shit can make Rick Ross look like Big Sean no lies!


When i first saw this picture, I swear I actually thought it was a Photoshop trick.
Like the same person, twice.
Sadly, they’re sisters and it seems looks are not the only thing they have in common.
Where do i start from?
Their pose? Almost like the Earth tilted when they stood and you find yourself slanting slightly just to look at them.
Their synchronized dressing? (or lack of dressing if i dare say)
Can i mention the poses again? Especially of the girl to the right.
Never seen a worse ‘Suck belle’ pose.  Or is that a ‘Push brezz up’ pose?
I can’t…just..
Next please.


Another one who needs to meet Toolz O.
I really do think Toolz should own her own fashion label. Like seriously.
Women like this shouldn’t be found wearing something this painfully…disturbing.
This is a look only slim girls should try.
Still short of words.
Like I can actually hear the cries of her genitalia, begging to breathe!
And are those shoes or did she tie red pieces of cloths to her ankles?
Even her belt is saying the pray of Forgiveness and Redemption
And she’s so good looking!
That is the annoying bit!
It’s almost like she was trying to re enact her slimmer days or something.
I just give up.

I am done.

Hungry and getting hungry gets me angrier.


Musing of a Stressed Out Somebody

Another day, another rant.
Been under enormous pressure lately and I really, really need to blow some steam off!

So what am I going to rant about?
Some men are just foolish.
Most times, I imagine myself as a man (which isn’t hard to imagine 😦 ) and I know I can do better.
Do you know the ridiculous amount of money some guys spend on girls? That shit is disgusting!

Last year, people on twitter read the gist about the dude that splashed N1.5million on his girl and her friends.
On drinks.
Dem never chop o.
On drinks.
Do you know how many village girls you can marry and tamba for free with 1.5 milla? DO YOU??
Water no dey?
Wooz stron witchu!
It’s not as if at the end of the night he will tamba the girl plus her friends.
No o!
Only one!

If I was a guy ehn I’ll probably be a hermit…Forever alone.
Spend excess money on a girl? Am I mad?
Is her V made of gold? Does it hold the secrets to immortality?
Niggur PLEASE!
And the thing that can pain me is later, the same girls that extort money from their men would be claiming Feminist.
Let me spend 40k on you and you don’t pound yam for a month for me first.
Ya doing feminist.
E be like say you never jam jazz. I go just seal your vagina spiritually.
Dey there.

Look at this.
A girl would call you. Maybe your girlfriend. Maybe your fuck buddy. Una know una selves
“Hey Honey, I’m horny”
You will run to her house and perform.
“Thanks honey”
Chop kiss and go home.
Oya call the same girl to ask for the same thing and she will charge you for her  transport/feeding/house rent/school fees/her friends’ school fees.
Is it fair?
No really. Is it?
You too, kiss and disappear!
Why should you pay for her transport?
My friend, God gave you two legs! Rejoice and waka dey go your house!
It is all part of getting fit. No need to ask you about money for gym subscription later.
Kill two birds with one stone.

I’m not saying don’t spend on your woman.
Note, I said YOUR woman.
Some dudes will be spending on women that have friend-zoned them in hope that they would change their minds.
Brother, your step-mother in the village is playing Ludo with your destiny.
Listen to yourself!
After she don chop your money finish, she’ll gaan marry someone else.
You will be there, biting your fingers in regret.
Otondo Esquire.

Where was I? Ehen.
I’m not saying don’t spend on your woman.
Make her feel special.
(You can only make the  moment special if it doesn’t happen often. Look at Christmas. Once a year. Special. Look at Mother’s Day. Every frigging Sunday in April and May. Not special).
As I was saying, treat her to something romantic and affordable.
Take her to Mr Biggs once in a while and buy her chicken pie.
On a special occasion like her birthday, out of the goodness of your heart, you buy Pepsi and join to the chicken pie.
If she’s complaining, tell her she’s adding weight and return the Pepsi. She can drink water.
Buy her a packet of red candles for Valentine. Non-scented. Why should you buy her scented candles? Is she a priestess? Abi she be ogbanje?
If she insists on scents, buy her an air freshner.

There is a likely chance she will dump you but it doesn’t matter. You’re saving yourself financial stress.
Na her type. After spending over 5 milla during dating, you go ask about bride price and her family will charge you 10 milla.
Maka why. When she don chop half her bride price?
Later you start shedding tears on your wedding day.

It’s better to be forever alone and be a wealthy man than to be forever in debt with a high-maintenance woman.

Your girl will probably hate this advice I’m dispensing freely today.
“Honey, Peruvian hair”
My friend gaan plait shuku, all-back or police cap.
Better still, low-cut. You can share your clipper with her.
It’s all part of love and bonding; shave my hair, I shave yours.
Look at Amber Rose. Sexy low-cut. Is Wiz Khalifa paying for human hair?
“Honey, money for relaxer”
Relaxer ko. Let her go natural! It is good for her scalp.
Buy her a can of locally made oil. Her hair would grow longer and you will have something to pull when you’re hitting it from the back.

She will even attempt to trick you. She will come to your house and insist to cook for you.
Wait for it.
“Honey, money so I can buy foodstuff”
Lai lai! She will overprice the foodstuff.
Tell her to sit down and give you time to go and withdraw money.
On your way, buy the foodstuff you need to the nearest kobo. Collect your change my brother and come house.
“Honey, where is the money?”
“Oh darling I decided to go to the market since it was near the ATM. Save stress for my egovine. My akwa nwa. My sweetie. ”
Story Story.

Umu boys, you gats to sharpen up! Stop wasting your money!
You say investment. You’re investing on her.
Your mates are investing in Properties and shii.
Some are investing IN their own babes (and probably yours sef)
You’re there, investing ON her.
You’re lost brother.

My last advice. If your babe is making trouble about the monetary issue, fine.
Give her the money on one condition.
She will tamba your friends, collect money from them and give to you.
Profit my dear, PROFIT!
She’s probably doing it already for free so you might as well make some money out of a bad situation NO?

I’m done!
Still stressed/bombed out.

P.S: This is an announcement. I will welcome short stories from every corner of the world. Please let me know if anyone you can help or if you know that can. Just a guest thing.
At me bebe! @weird_oo

There! Done!
*Goes back to studying*

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