Category: spoof



 

Lucifer adjusts his robes as he perches himself on a stool.
Uriel glances at the celestial time and sighs, impatient to be about his business.

“Honestly, I did’t do anything THAT BAD”
“Udonmeanit…”
The sarcasm flies over Lucifer’s head.
“Serious o. I only said me too I want in on the good good na. You know what they say…”
“I don’t…”
Interrupts.
“What’s good for the goodse, is good for the gander! See what i did there? See?”
A big smile on L’s face.
“E for Effort”
Lucifer frowns and smacks his teeth. “Abeg abeg. Na wa you sef! Anyway! Back to my side of the story! Yes ooooo. Small tin like dis. Oga come dey vex! Allova sudden, I don turn Devil. Juslaidat!”
A raised eyebrow. “If HE was angry, then it was not a small thing
He eyes his companion. “So you been dey dere wit me wen e happen abi?”
His companion sighs. “Carry on”
“Ehen. So I say me I want my own throne. Me sef i want my own praise. Ahn ahn! I don dey shout Halleluyah since HE make me! E never do? Me sef why i no go siddon, dey drink cold water?”
A shocked look on Uriel’s face. “You said what?”
“Ear dey pain you!? I tell am say, Bros G, Me sef i want seat. E no need big like your own. Juss small ting wey i go take siddon beside you so we go share the praise. Not even 50-50. 80-20 na im i talk. Oga come vex”
Uriel’s mouth drops open.
“Hayyyyyy! You have no fear?? Are you mad???”
“Ahn ahn! Is it because I’m telling you something you are now insulting me anyhow? Take ya time o! Anyway! He sha was vexing for me and said i should get out. Ah. After all my loyal service. This life sha.”
Uriel shakes his head. “See, I have 12pm Hosanna duty and it’s almost time. What exactly do you want me to do for you? Beg HIM?”
Lucifer laughs, playfully slapping Uriel’s shoulder. “Beg ke! O ti o. No beg please. Why i go beg am. A whole me! Lucifer! Finest boy in H Town. Baby boy of Life! Ehhhhhnnnn”
He dusts his shoulder.
“So..what then?”
“Ehn. Mo nlo! I dey port! I’m porting outta here so i came to give you proposal, you know we are friends na. Egbon mi!!!!”
Uriel huffs, irritated. “Get to the point! Goodness!”
“Ahn caam daan na. No be Halleluyah you just wan go shout? E no dey tire you sef! Anyway Come and follow me o! I’m going to Earth to control everything! Controller general and tinz. Your boy is gonna blow! If you follow me, i fit make you Deputy Commander because we don be padi for long mehn…”
Uriel stands to his full height.
“Lucifer! Lucifer! Lucifer! How many times did i call you?”
“Ahn ahn na wetin!”
“E be like say you don crase finish abi! So you look me upandan finish, think say na me go follow you chop eternal punishment. You tink say i no know dat be your punishment?? Eez like ya a mad somebody. Belly don dey run you abi? So you look Daddy G.O throne finish and e dey do you WAWUUUUU, you come go challenge am”
“Eiiissss…”
Uriel interrupts. “Ehn! I no wan hear! Do me a favour please. GERRARAHIA! GERRARAHIA RIGHT NOW!”
“Whoolup nigga! Whoolup! Ahn ahn dem no dey follow you play again?”
“Abeg! Carry your play dey go! DEY GO!”
Lucifer angrily gets up.
“Oya dey here na! You too dull sef!  You don fall my hand, guyyyy. Ahn! You don forget na me and you dey hustle for Ojuelegba from day one”
Uriel sharpens his sword on the floor. “You still dey here???”
He lashes out with his sword at Lucifer and he flees, cursing.
Uriel chases after him.

Minutes later, Uriel comes back and sighs deeply and looks at you, the reader.
“E don be for una sha… That oloriburuku go frustrate una die. Ehyaaa…”

————————————–

In my head, the Devil is a disgruntled Nigerian civil servant.

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P.S.A + Rapunzel


So two years today, I was in front of my ragged Toshiba laptop finally registering for a blog after coming across stories from Terdoh and Toolsman’s blogs. A lot has changed since then; for one, I’m not using a Toshiba laptop anymore. Lol.
More importantly, I’ve improved immensely in my writing, If i might say so myself.
Most importantly, I’ve met a lot of interesting people that have all inspired, intrigued and also irritated me (Sometimes, all at once!) This is a thank you to everyone that has stuck with Phantompages; old and new comers. I’m grateful.

Readers, I thank you for the time you’ve spent reading my cravies and good and bad stories. For the constructive criticisms, I thank you. And for the love and adulation (Real and imaginary on my part), I thank you.

Writers, I thank you for the Messages and emails asking if I didn’t mind having your stories up here. I thank you for the help you’ve all rendered, keeping this blog alive.

Ah, as usual, special thanks to a couple of people (I could swear I gave these same set of people special thanks last year!): Eddie (For helping me handle the blog when I almost deleted and for being my close friend and Mother all rolled up in one!), Pemi, Ekwe, P.Mantis (Professional Asshole), and last but not the least, my Fire.

Blogging is a pain in the ass you know. And if there’s anything more painful than blogging, it’s being referred to as a Blogger.
I am a writer; I write. I will be an author one day, when my materials and good and ready to be published.

Umm.. run out of things to ‘say’. So, was running through my STORIES file and came across one I wrote for Achiva’s blog as part of a series. Made me chuckle so decided to brush it up more and put it up here.

Thank you once again for all the care and support.
Watashi wa minasan o aishite imasu!

RAPUNZEL

There lived a man and his greedy wife. They were very much in love but they had no child. The man did not leave her, despite the fact that his mother insisted he did so because his wife was a ‘useless woman who used abortion to scatter her womb’. He was in love and he would do anything for her. Of course, his mother didn’t approve and he could bet she has been ‘Casting and Binding’ sine they tied the knot as man and wife.

Beside them lived a Lagos big girl called ‘Aunty Dollars’. Aunty Dollars was notorious for her diabolical means of making money and bringing customers into her hair shop.
Aunty Dollars has this mango tree in her compound and her neighbors could see it. When Aunty Dollars went to Dubai for holiday, the man’s wife, greedy woman, decided she wanted the mango.
She cried and went to her husband.
“Honey I really want those mangoes at Aunty Dollars’ house”
The man was confused. “I can buy you any mango in the market my love. Must it be her own?”
“Yes! If you love me, you’ll get them for me”
The man was unsure of what to do.
His wife’s long throat increased the more time he wasted time. “I will die if I don’t eat Aunty Dollars’ mango o! I will just die here and you will bury me!” the woman wailed.
‘See me see wahala’ the man thought to himself. ‘On top mango again?’
The man tried to endure but the man eventually got tired of his wife’s nagging and deliberate bad cooking and decided to get her the mangoes.
With his heart in his mouth, he jumped fence into Aunty Dollars compound and got the mangoes.
He thought the matter had ended there with his wife.
For where!
The greed in the wife was something else. This woman started behaving like she was the Patroness Saint of Mangoes! She wanted more!
“Your mates are having children and you’re here looking for mangoes! Is it not thunder that will fire you Idiot!” he shouted one day in a rare display of anger.
He ate burnt, bottom-of-the-pot jollof rice and black dodo that night and with repentance in his heart and hunger in his stomach, he stole the mangoes.
Anything to keep his ‘darling’ wife happy; and keep his from purging his intestines out every night.

Until one day…
“Oho!” Aunty Dollars screamed at the base of the tree, cutlass in hand, catching her thieving neighbor unawares. He hadn’t known she had come back!
“Mr. Man! Aha! So you were the one stealing my mangoes ehn? You don die today!”
She sharpened the cutlass on the floor while the man, scared, stayed on the tree, mangoes in hand, pleading the blood of Jesus.
“Please” he begged. “It was the Devil! She sent me!”
“You will go and meet the Devil today. Ole!”
The man begged and begged, promising anything and everything.
Aunty Dollars, diabolical and crazy woman, thought about it and decided to take him up on his offer.
“Seeing as I haven’t been serviced in a while, I want you to sleep with me for a month” She smiled in satisfaction at the shock on the man’s face.
“B..but…But I am a married man!” he protested weakly.
“Oho! Now you remember you are married abi! A married man that steals mangoes abi! Oloshi! Do you want me to call the whole street to gather and burn you?”
The man begged for another bargain, anything but sleeping with her.
Truth is, it would have been easier if Aunty Dollarz was pretty but OH NO!
Aunty Dollars looked like the ugly twin sister of Eniola Badmus; a walking, breathing two bags of beans with legs.
How was he, a lean man, supposed to survive with such a heap of fat in bed? And what if she decided she wanted to ride him? Would cellotape glue his broken bones? Who would pay for his medical bills?
Oti o!
The man pleaded profusely but she was adamant.
“Neighbors o!!! Come o! Ole dey here! Bring tire!” she screeched, her fat buttocks quivering as she ran around her compound.
Fearing jungle justice, the man quickly apologized and agreed to her demands.
Without telling his wife, the man who climbed to steal mangoes, climbed to play his away matches in exchange for a month as was agreed. He would not admit to it but the sight of Aunty Dollarz’s ample mammary set his flag pole straight; compared to his wife’s lemon breasts.
Like a pulsing G, he scored (Proving his mother right that the problem wasn’t really from him). Before the month was over, Aunty Dollars became pregnant.
After nine months she gave birth to a beautiful girl with very light skin.
Thinking to give the girl an exotic name, she named her Rapunzel, after the fairy tale story. As the girl grew, Aunty Dollars noticed her hair was so long and black.
Aunty Dollars had an idea.

During this time, the prince of the land was going through hard times. He had spent his money on women in Saudi Arabia and his father had stopped his allowance permanently. As he was walking, contemplating on his life, he passed by Aunty Dollars’ house.
“Rapunzel! Open the door!” she shouted with impatience.
The Prince was amazed when he saw the beautiful girl that opened the door for the crazy woman everyone in Lagos knew. More so, he couldn’t believe how lovely and long her hair was. It was so long, it actually reached to her knees!
“Haaaaay! Asanwa baby! Obianuju!” he exclaimed to himself. “Erichaamichaaka!”
The Igbo blood in him sang and in his head, he devised a method to make himself rich.
After weeks of monitoring Aunty Dollars’ movement, he knew when she left the town and that was when he decided to strike.
He crept to the side of the house and knocked.
“Rapunzel. Beautiful egg of Life. Open the door please.”
Rapunzel, shocked to hear the voice of a man got curious and opened the door. When the prince entered, he viewed the beautiful Rapunzel and fell at her feet.
“My goddess! Is your name Maggi nne? Because you’re looking spicy!”
Rapunzel blushed.
“To tell you the truth, nne m, if i die now, I want to come back to this world as the dress you’re wearing just to feel your skin on mine AsweartoGod!”
He licked his index finger and touched the ground.
“Stawpeeeet” Rapunzel gushed, flicking her hair.
“Egovine! Tomato Jos! Omalicha! Rapun Rapun! You have stolen my heart, Please take it but give me the change of your love baby!”
Rapunzel, having never been washed like dirty boxers before blushed and fell in love with the prince.
“Am I really spicy?” she asked shyly.
“Yes baby m! You are o! You’re finger lickin’! So beautiful! Oh can I have a piece of your beautiful hair? To remind me of you every day!”
Rapunzel drank the zobo of Life and like a mumu she agreed and the prince chopped off her hair.
The next day, the prince sold it off as Brazilian hair to his vain sister. He smiled as he counted the money.
“Nna mehn! Lekwa correct business!”
And thus, the hairomance continued.

Rapunzel being a part-time mammy-water grew back the hair in no time and seeing this, the prince decided to open a saloon.
When Aunty Dollars came back from her trip, she was shocked to find out about how badly her business was faring. She enquired and found out that the Prince had opened his own hair salon.
Baffled, she went home to contemplate.
Rapunzel being a mumu in love couldn’t help telling her mother about the prince. She told her mother how they had planned their wedding already.
“Mummy he said he will give me the world!”
“The prince? That useless Emeka boy? That Igbo riff raff?”
“Mummy he is so great and romantic! He asks for a piece of my hair as a token of my affection. He’s sewing a shirt for himself made out of my hair. How cute!”
“So he cuts your hair! That explains it! Ori e o da!”
Rapunzel was confused and asked he mother what she meant.
“Idiot! He is just using you! He has opened a hair salon with your stupid hair!”
Rapunzel was shocked and hurt.
“It can’t be!”

She waited for the next time the Prince would come and she confronted him.
“Where’s the shirt of hair you’re sewing darling?”
“Ah My Akwa Ugo! My tailor is a mad man o! He hasn’t finished!”
Rapunzel smiled sweetly, her eyes hard. “Let’s go meet his now.”
“Now?” The Prince became nervous and Rapunzel knew her mother was right.
With anger, she threw the Prince out of her room window and the prince died.
Rapunzel also found out about how her mother was using her too to make money and she blamed her for the Prince’s death. Everyone knew Aunty Dollars’ reputation as a witch and she was arrested for murder.
Rapunzel decided to go into business for herself.

The neighbor, seeing the resemblance between him and Rapunzel one day added 2 and 2 to make 5. His Math was bad but he knew she was his daughter. His wife already had to children from him, both girls.
He told Rapunzel about her parentage and after DNA test proved him as her father, she moved in with him and handed over her business to him.

He later died, and somehow, along the line, her name changed from Rapunzel to Cinderella.

If you get what I just did there…

The End.

——————————————————————–

Have a lovely week people!

Palet, Deliverer


Hi.
I know, crucify me. I haven’t been writing awhile now.
This would be my first proper story since October last year and hence, my first story of the year.
Hope you enjoy it!

————————————————————————————————————————————-

PALET, DELIVERER

He hid himself in the shadow of a tall column, momentarily whispering a prayer of thanks for Sethis, the Pharaoh, and his obsession with the odd pillars. When he heard the last shuffling of the feet of worshippers in the temple and the last whispers as acolytes left, he made ready to move. Silence descended and he slowly padded on his bare feet, walking familiar steps as he had every day since he began to come in here.

In his head, he counted until his feet met the first raised dais. He climbed the stairs until he got to the top, facing the altar. He sidestepped the altar and walked into an inconspicuous room at the side. Inside the room lay what he came to find.

His heart thudded in his head and his blood rushed with the euphoria that came with doing a bad deed.

He knelt blindly, feeling with his hands for the tell-tale shape of the box. When his hands brushed past an oblong object, he retraced his movements till he touched the box.

Yes. This one.

His fingers caressed the symbol of the ibis engraved.

He put his hands into the shift he wore, slipping out a key he had early pilfered from the Chief Priest. He inserted the key and twisting, he opened the box. He dipped his hand in, brushing away the slips of silk used to cover the item he was after.

At the first feel of solidity, he smiled and using both hands, he brought out the tablets of gold. His breath hitched at their surprisingly heavy weight. He stood, holding the tablets to his chest and not as quick as before, he made his way out of the room. He gingerly walked past the altar, to the stairs and down. So intent on keeping his footing, he didn’t notice the guard creeping up behind him.

“Halt!” The Egyptian guard shouted and he stopped abruptly, his heart suddenly thumping harder with adrenaline.

“Who are you? What are you carrying?”

The man stood still, mind calculating. Making up his mind, he set his burden down slowly.

The guard shifted, his stance showing he was ready for whatever happened.

“I said who are you!”

“At ease” the man whispered and the guard gasped his name in recognition. He relaxed and was suddenly wondering what had just happened when a sharp pain bloomed at the side of his head. He collapsed, and the man caught his dropping body before he thudded and alerted more people. He put his hands under his nose to check if he was still alive. Ascertaining he was dead, he picked up his burden and walked away.

He did not notice the second guard who had heard his name said and seconds later, watch his comrade get killed. The guard quickly left to report.

The man, hiding through shadows finally got to his room and with a thud, he shut the door. He dumped his load on the bed.

Walking to the table, he kindled a lamp and smiled softly at the golden tablets, glowing beautifully.

Ramoses’ eyes glinted as he eyed the Sacred Book of Thoth.

——————————————————————————————–

He crept out of the room, making sure he had hidden the tablets properly. Breathing deeply, he decided to take a stroll, allowing himself to be guided by his feet. The guards posted to the palace at night were used to the late-night strolls of the Princess’s son. With a small bow, they acknowledged him and returning their bows with a wave, he walked into the night, his nose instantly flaring at the mixed smell of spices to drive the Nile’s blood-sucking insects back and burning wood.

He walked aimlessly, allowing his fingers touch stones and pillars, reminiscing. Unconsciously, he walked through the Israelites’ quarters, deserted. They weren’t ones to hang around at night. It wasn’t even safe for them during the day.

His sandaled feet met with cobbled stones and he hummed a little tune as he walked through what would be a bubbling market in the day but was quiet now, save for a few who walked quickly into homes.

His attention was caught by raised voices and curious, he walked towards them. In an alley dimly lit my burning torches, two Israelites argued and suddenly feeling the need to play mediator, he walked to them.
“Peace my friends” he called out.

“Who are you? Who is your friend” One spat, eyes shifty with apprehension.

He walked closer and when they saw his face, they gasped.

“Ramoses!”

His face was a popular one. He smiled.

“Ye..”

“You! Killer!”

Ramoses stopped. “What? What do you mean?” he asked quietly.

“Do you want to kill us like you killed the guard? I overheard the guards just a few minutes ag..”

Fast-thinking and without waiting for the man to finish, Ramoses fled.

They knew!

How?

He didn’t allow his mind dwell on that, focusing on getting himself back to his quarters.

Suddenly he heard voices of guards coming closer.

Quickly, he used the not so-well known route he had traipsed with Rameses when they were children, beating his way to the palace. He had to get to his room before they thought to search it!

In and out of alleys, he disappeared, mind churning with apprehension. How had they known?!. Soon, he was outside the window of his room. With care, he climbed and praying he had not shut it from the inside, he shifted the wood aperture and tumbled into his room.

Quick, he searched for the tablets and finding them, he breathed a sigh of relief. They had not been in there yet.

He wrapped the tablets in bales of clothes and quickly changing, he put on a Israelite cloak he had bought out of a whim, after finding out about his secret parentage. Disguising himself with soot to darken his hair and roughen his face, he hefted the clothes and grimaced at their weight.

He opened the window and stumbled out.

As he shut the window, he heard the clamour of guards just at the door and as the window thud shut, they burst open.

Quickly, he disappeared, making his way out of Egypt.

Any place was better than Egypt…for now.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Zipporah looked at the man who had been with them for the past two week out of the corner of her eyes with distrust. He had come, claiming to be an escaped Israelite from Egypt. She didn’t know much about the world but what she knew was that no Israelite escaped from Egypt. He claimed to be called Moses and he wouldn’t let her help carry his sack when he had come. In fact, with the way he had acted when she had offered to help with the sack, she knew he definitely had something to hide.

Hmmm…

She watched him laugh with her father Jethro as they shared lunch.

Just who was he and what secret was he hiding? Why was he abusing her father’s hospitality by claiming to be who he wasn’t?

Curiosity got the better of her and suddenly, she got up and slowly walked out of the tent. Out, she quickly ran to the tent they had set up for him as her father’s guest after he had helped them with the thieving Amalekites who came to steal her father’s sheep.

She crept in and eyeing his bedding, she found the mounds of cloth.

She walked to it and uncovering, she gasped.

Gold.

Glimmering, shining gold.

Even more fascinating were the scrawls on them she was sure were letterings. She could not read. She had always been fascinated with words but her father never understood the need for her to learn, seeing as she was a woman. He had asked her to put more effort into being pleasing enough to be a bride when she had asked to be taught.

She sighed as her fingers caressed the engraved words.  Taking the second tablet, she stared at it in awe.

Beautiful.

The third was a much thinner sheet and had pictures of men and women with animal heads. She stared, unaware of the shadow that grew behind her back.

“You looked through my things” Ramoses said softly.

She jumped; dropping the sheet she had in her hands in a hurry and getting up, suddenly cautious of how small the tent was. Was he going to harm her?

She cleared her throat. “Who are you?” she asked, staring at him warily.

“You have seen the book.”

She nodded, her gaze shifting to where she had dropped the tablet. “I cannot read but I know real gold. What is an Israelite doing with something…like this?”

He eyed her “And since when did I have to answer to a mere slip of a girl?”

Her eyes flash with anger and she stood to her full height. “Since this mere slip of a girl can tell her father that his guest could be a thief.”

He stared at her and she stared right back, as if daring him to call her bluff.

“Ramoses. Son of Nepheri, Princess of Egypt…or so I thought”

She laughed in derision. “A Prince. Really. I might be a woman but I am not stupid.”

He frowned. “I am…was a Prince”

“Am. Was. You lie.” She sniffed, folding her hands under her arm.

“Would a common Israelite have this kind of book in his possession?”

“You stole it” she hit back.

He sighed, exasperated. “Stole a treasured book? How does a lowly Israelite get into a Holy Temple to steal a Book of Gold?”

She paused, biting her lip in thought. She suddenly stared at him with renewed interest.

“You’re not lying?”

He threw his hands up in exasperation. “I am not, woman!”

He sat down and rearranged the bundle, pushing the golden tablets back into the fold of the cloth.

“A former Prince of Egypt…” she murmured in thought, gaze faraway. His shuffling brought her back to the present and she turned to him. “How?”

He looked up. “How?”

She settled herself down on the bedding. “Yes! How? It must be a fascinating story, like the type Papa used to tell us as kids!”

He looked into her inquisitive eyes quivering with excitement and shook his head.

“I am sorry. My story isn’t a child’s fairy tale. And it is not safe information”

“I know it is no child’s story and I am not a child. I want to know. I yearn to know. I am imprisoned here by my duties to family. Only by stories can my mind soar free”

“Zipporah, there are some things you cannot know. It isn’t safe”

“Oh please Moses! Who would I tell? My sisters? They have no other dream but to get married to the man Papa chooses for them. I promise on my life to keep your secret safe” she pressed her hands to her heart solemnly.

He looked at her expectant face and smiled a little.

“Well, I was a Prince, yes. I was born a Prince, brought up a Prince in the temple of Ra himself, I was an acolyte. A scholar. With no chance of taking the throne, I buried myself in the study of our gods. I immersed myself in the study of the book you just held.”

He paused, mind far away.

As she opened her mouth to urge him, he continued.

“I found out I wasn’t a prince after all. My mother…foster mother told me. I had been drawn out of water. I sought out my real parents but couldn’t find them…Israelites of the House of Levi.”

She stared at him in fascination. “What is Egypt really like? Does the Queen bathe in milk like the merchants that come around here say? Is her skin as white as alabaster?”

“Egypt…” he sighed. “Both beautiful and deadly. Like the Egyptian snake. And the Queen might bath in milk but you’re prettier than she is.”

She shushed him, trying to hide a small smile.  “And why did you take the book? What is in it?”

He thought.

“Why indeed” he murmured.

Lying on the bed, he hooked both arms under his head.

“I took it on a whim. Maybe the god the Israelites worship would show me what to do with it.” He said sardonically. “There has always been talks about a deliverer among them. Maybe…maybe I took it for him. What if he came? It would be a good weapon against the Egyptians…”

She shook her head. “What is in the book? How can you go from an Egypt- loving Prince to a Egypt- hating Israelite in a matter of days? It is…not right.”

He studied her intently, mind suddenly wondering how he never noticed how lovely her lips were. Sure, she wasn’t as pretty as her other sisters but there was something about her inquisitiveness that gave her a strong aura.

At that moment, he decided she was a good woman.

He smiled at her. “As I said, Egypt was both beautiful and deadly. Even as a Prince, I had no love for Egyptians. The cruelty…” he paused, brows creased in a frown. “I once had dreams that I would somehow be the Pharaoh and the first thing I’d do would be to give slaves their freedom.”

He laughed; short and bitter.

“And the book?”

“Magic.” He smiled mischievously. “Magic of the Earth, of the skies. Words of Power. That is what is in the book.”

She looked at him, trying to see if he was joking. Something about the book she had touched left her with a feeling that he wasn’t.

She shivered.

“Magic…” she murmured.

A month later, they departed as husband and wife. He married her to ensure his secret remind close to home; She married him for adventure.

They journeyed together to Egypt, where his destiny awaited him.

—————————————————————————————————————

“I require an audience with the Pharaoh” Moses said boldly to the court official.

The bald, fat man eyed the Israel in his presence with such contempt. “The Pharaoh does not speak to slaves.”

Moses smiled. “Tell him this slave holds The Book.”

The official raised a pencilled eyebrow. “The Book?”

“Thoth” Moses whispered and the countenance of the man change from surprise to fear to apprehension. He stared harder at Moses, as if trying to strip away the beard and the premature lines on his forehead. His eyes widened in recognition.

“Ramoses!” he gasped.

“Moses. Tell him, Moses.”

Ramses sat on his throne, eyeing the man before him.

“You came back. Where is the book?”

Moses smiled at his one-time friend. The look on the Pharaoh’s face showed exactly what he thought of their friendship.

“It is where it is, until we reach an agreement. Harm me, and you’ll never find the book. You will never find it if you try to be sneaky too. If you threaten my life, I would teach the Israelites the words of Thoth and we’d see how it feels to be mastered, Ramses”

“Pharaoh to you” Ramses muttered furious

“You will meet my demands and then, you can have your Book.”

Pharaoh eyed him.

“And what are these…demands.”

“Free the Israelite slaves.”

Ramses jumped off the throne in ire. “Impossible!”

Moses watched him as he paced, his short brown legs pumping furiously as they took him up and down.

“Impossible!” he sat back on his throne.

Moses shrugged.

“I could reinstate you as Prince. You could have the finest Princesses from Ethiopia for wife. Gold! Rubies! Jade!”

“Free the Israel” Moses murmured.

Angrily, the Pharaoh called the guards who he had dismissed to have a private word with the renegade thief.

“Take him out of here but do not harm him”

As he was being led out, Moses turned.

“You’ll send for me”

Ramses eyed his back as he left, churning inside.

Two days later, Ramses sat agitated, fingers drumming on the elaborately gilded armrest. He heard croaks and gritted his teeth as a frog leapt on his arm. He swiped it with irritation, yelling for a guard to kill it.

“And where is the whoreson!” he yelled and the court officials nervously twitched, unsure of what to do.

“He would be with us soon, Pharaoh”

He hissed, spitting. “Frogs. Using our magic against us. The cheek! I should kill him!”

“But Pharaoh!” One of the plump officials with a high reedy voice quipped. “He said he’d destroy the book if we killed him!”

“Yes! Yes! Bring him here already” the Pharaoh angrily muttered.

A second later, the tall arrogant frame of Moses filled the hallway and he walked to him.

“Ramses. You sent for me.”

“Of course I sent for you! How dare you!” The Pharaoh’s eyes widened with rage as he tried to control his temper. Breathing deeply, he calmed.

“Banish the frogs to the Nile”

Moses pointed at the Head Sorcerer who stood among the officials. “He is a sorcerer. He can do it.”

“He could have done it had you not commanded ALL THE FROGS IN THE NILE OUT!”

The Head Sorcerer threw Moses a look of disgust. “Cheap tricks” he muttered.

Moses turned to him. “Cheap tricks? Or maybe the god of Israel is using me to punish you” He smiled and turned to the Pharaoh. “Free the Israelites and I will banish the frogs”

“No!” The Pharaoh’s voice boomed.

Moses chuckled and turned to leave.

“Stay right there!” Pharaoh commanded he paused. “Yes?” he asked without turning back.

“Fine! Go! And return the Book!”

Smiling, Moses left and the officials gathered round their King.

“But Pharaoh!…”

“You can’t…”

“Free them?…”

“SILENCE!” The Pharaoh commanded and a hush fell.

He looked at his subjects and smiled. “Of course I would not release the Israelites. But he doesn’t know that…”

He chuckled.

It wasn’t long before Moses made another appearance in the courts of the Pharaoh.

“Darkness! Hail! Locusts! Turning the Nile to blood! A curse on you and the filthy Israelite woman that birth you! A curse on the people you champion! Go! Go! Out of my sight! And give us our Book!”

Without any acknowledgement, Moses went back to the Israel quarters, where the Elders of the community waited.

“Would he release us?!…”

“Are we free to go?…”

Moses held a hand up at the clamouring. When it was quiet, he sat down.

“He would not release us.”

The Elders groaned, cursing.

Moses held a hand up and again, they hushed.

“I will force his hand and this time, he will let us go” he murmured to the gathered men.

“What will you do Moses?…”

“What power do you use?…”

“Why does the Pharaoh fear you!”

Moses waited till the noise quietened.

“It is the power of a God” he whispered. “And a God will deliver us. Make ready. Three days from now, we will leave the land of Egypt.”

“How!…”

“Tell us Moses!…”

“Deliverer! The Deliverer!…”

*********************************************

Moses sat in his room, the golden book on the table. The lamp illuminated the strange writings.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and let it out. Slowly, he began to recite, arms wide, voice in whispers.

A shadow made of dark matter formed and whispering commands, the shadow dispersed.

He sat down shaking, wiping off the beaded sweat on his brows. He closed his eyes and muttering, a bright light appeared on his table.

Seconds later, he covered the tablets and made it ready.

The Pharaoh would let them go now, His Book to be returned.

He made ready and headed to the Palace.

His attention would be needed.

***********************************************

“You killed my son. My only son.”

“You caused it, Ramses.”

“You killed the first son of my people…for Israelite slaves”

“Can we go now?”

Ramses nodded, resigned “Go. If I see your face again Ramoses, you will surely die. Drop the book here. Drop it and leave. You and your accursed people!”

Moses dropped the bundle on the table and left.

Outside the courts, he laughed, face alight with victory.

“Freedom!” He screamed.

“Freedom!”

****************************************************

They left with all they had, leaving nothing behind.

“Your day of Deliverance has come” he spoke in a loud voice.

The people roared in approval, shaking the foundations of Mizraim.

430 years in slavery and they were finally free.

“Freedom!” Moses cried.

The people of Israel echoed his cry.

“Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!”

***************************************************

“What do you mean!?”

The Head Sorcerer swallowed. “Pharaoh, this is not the Book of Thoth.”

The Pharaoh touched the golden tablets. “Feels real. Explain!”

The sorcerer closed his eyes, whispering and the air shimmered.

On the table where the golden tablets were before, laid three bricks.

The silence evaded the air. Then the Pharaoh let out a roar of rage, causing the sorcerer to fall back in fright.

The guards rushed in in alarm.

He sat on back on his seat, head pounding.

“Summon the Commander of my army.” He whispered. “Summon the commander of my chariots.”

The guards rushed out and the Sorcerer took the opportunity to make his escape.

“Free my slaves. Trick the Pharaoh. He will surely die…” he murmured, making a tight fist with his hands.

“He will die!”

He slammed his hand on the desk vehemently.

“Ramoses!”

 

Forty Years Later.

Moses walked to the Tent of Meeting, followed behind by the young man and would-be successor he had chosen, Joshua, who had a bag slung over his shoulder. He breathed heavily at the weight.

“What is in the bag?” he asked for the umpteenth time that night and Moses ignored him.

Inside the tent, Moses commanded him to leave the bag and step out.

Once out, Moses gingerly moved the bag into the Holiest of the Holies.

He stopped to admire the golden Ark of Covenant which was placed in the middle.

Slowly, he pushed off the lid of the ark.

Forcing his old muscles to move, he hefted each tablet placing them into the Box.

When the third sheet was in, he breathed hard, wiping his forehead. With shaking hands, he pulled back the lid to the Ark of the Covenant.

The next day, he gathered the High Priest and Levites.

“The Ark of the Covenant must never be opened. It is a Symbol of a God’s Power and Knowledge” he whispered to the small gathering. “It shall be carried by the Levites after they have sanctified themselves”

They nodded in agreement.

Moses sighed and closed his eyes, satisfied.

He had found a new home for the Sacred Book of Thoth.

The End

——————————————————————————————————-

Fact or Fantastic Fiction?

Day 3


It’s exactly 3am in the morning and I am here, sneezing and pecking at my laptop keys I was going to put up a story today but decided against it. Been on my Facebook page for reasons unknown to man and stumbled on a funy post i did a long while ago. Decided to erase my old answers and put up a new one.

The instruction : Put your iPod on shuffle and for each question, get a song and write it down. No cheating.  Here we go1

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?” YOU SAY?
Better than me -Hinder

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Why am I the one- Fun

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL
Criminal -Disturbed (God forbid yo!)

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I don’t Care – Apocalyptica / Adam Gontier

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE??
Torn – Natalie Imbruglia (Hia!)

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Oblivion – 30 seconds to Mars

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The World’s Greatest- R Kelly (Yes, I still have this song and YES I AM THE GREATEST!)

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Dirty Little Secret – All American Rejects (Lol. Lips sealed)

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Open and Close – EFA (LOL!)

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
The Devil’s Own – 5Finger Death Punch (:'( )

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Tie me down and Fuck me hard – Concentus (*dies* LOOOL! TRUTH!!!!!! ^_^)

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bonnie and Clyde – Sergie Gainsbourg/ Brigitte Bardot

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Dirty Diana- Michael Jackson (Wahala)

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Keep on Runnin’ – Tom Jones (Run or I’ll eat you. Thirsty FC)

15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Lost- Avenged 7 fold (Why me? 😦 )

16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Would you love a monsterman – Lordi (Mbanu! This is a bad omen. You and who is loving a monster?)

17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Not Ready to die- Avenged 7 fold (LOOOOOL! A bit too late for that isn’t it Chichi?)

18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Dance with the Devil- Breaking Benjamin (Oho! Azonto with Esu.)

19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I’m too sexy for my love -Boliche (LMAO! Deleting this song!)

20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Sons of Plunder- Disturbed

21) WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Collapsing- Demon Hunter

22) HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Asylum -Disturbed ( Oh Lord.)

23) WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET
Some Nights- Fun

24) WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Two wrongs- Wyclef Jean

25) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Lonely Day – System of  down (You have no idea. Sigh)

26) WHY WILL YOU GET MARRIED?
Iron Maiden -The Ises  (Hm..)

27) WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
I Still Haven’t Found What Im Looking For – Disturbed cover. (Big fear)

28) DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Hide and Seek -Imogen Heap

29) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Crush Resistance – Haste The Day (As per Pro-Government? No tainz.)

30) WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
The Beautiful people – Marilyn Manson

31) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
I’m so sick- Flyleaf (Baiclly…)

I am done.
That’s it for today. No idea what tomorrow will bring but post, I WILL.
TEE *sneeze* HEE

Once Upon a Time – A Play


Allo!
C’est moi, Madmoiselle Phantom Pages and today, I have something different for you today!
As you’ve probably realised, I try out diffrent writing styles and genres and today, decided to try for a play!
If you see this play as crazy, then you’re most likely normal because it is crazy but hey, Ideas are ideas!
Hope you enjoy my own story about two Nigerian couples in Jerusalem!

ONCE UPON A TIME

SET: IN JERUSALEM DURING THE TIME OF JESUS

CHARACTERS:

Jesus
Mary
Joseph
The Ogbonnas:, Papa Nonso, Mama Nonso, Nonso
The Ajalas: Iya Moji, Papa Moji
Mary of Magdalene
Crowd.

____________________

ACT I

 

                                                    SCENE 1

                               (In a busy evening market place in Jerusalem, Mama Nonso is seated inside her stall, fanning herself. She occasionally calls to the crowd to purchase her goods. Iya Moji passes by)

 

MAMA NONSO

Iya Moji! well done o! I am greeting!

 

IYA MOJI

(IYA MOJI turns at the greeting. Seeing MAMA NONSO, she walks into her stall and sits down on a stool)

Ah…

(She sighs heavily)

Mummy Nonso bawo…

 

MAMA NONSO

 I am fine o! You’re frowning today. What is the matter?

IYA MOJI

 (Shaking her head sadly)

My dear things have just been poor o. The kind of taxes I have been paying wo! Caesar wan kill person for this place o.

MAMA NONSO

(Tuts in commiseration)

Eyaa…Nne it’s not only you. I haven’t been able to sell anything all day!

IYA MOJI

(Fold her hands under her chin, jerking her knee)

 My dear what can we do? I can’t even get enough fish to sell…

MAMA NONSO

Ah! Why now? What happened to Simon your fisherman?

IYA MOJI

(Hisses)

That one!

(Claps hand and hisses again)

 MAMA NONSO

 (Looking confused)

O gini kwa? Did you two have a disagreement?

IYA MOJI

No o! Disagreement e no dey this one o! The nonsense man decided all of a sudden to stop fishing! All of a sudden! Ah!

MAMA NONSO

(Chuckles)

Biko Iya m. Stop making me laugh. Which one is stop fishing? Simon? That one that had been fishing kemgbe! How now?

IYA MOJI

(Shows MAMA NONSO her hands and places them back under her chin)

It is just like magic o. I heard he now follows that Jesus boy around.

MAMA NONSO

(Looking confused)

Jesus? Which Jesus?

IYA MOJI

Ah Jesus na! Aunty Mary pikin!

MAMA NONSO

Oh that one! Eh… Why is he following him?

IYA MOJI

Ah so you haven’t heard?

(Claps and sighs)

MAMA NONSO

(Holds IYA MOJI’s knee)

Heard what Iya m? Talk na!

IYA MOJI

Mummy Nonso things are happuni o. Jesus say he is the son of God o.

MAMA NONSO

 (Bursts into fits of laughter)

Biko nwa nne m. Repeat yourself. Jesus said what?

IYA MOJI

(Chuckles a little)

Is not a laughing matter ah! Jesus eh. Aunty Mary and Uncle Joseph pikin talk say him be God son o! Mummy Nonso e tire me!

MAMA NONSO

 (MAMA NONSO Laughs harder. She sighs and cleans her tears of mirth)

When this madness start nne? Ha ga kpokwa nke a gini?

IYA MOJI

(IYA MOJI sighs and gets up)

Wo! Me, I am tire! Mummy Nonso make I go house. Papa Moji would come back and be hungry. You know men. They don’t play with food!

MAMA NONSO

(Gets up as well)

Nne I know. Let me leave you nwanyi oma. Sorry I didn’t offer you anything! Greet Baba Moji for me I nu?

IYA MOJI

(Smiles and waves)

 I will. Oya odaabo o. Greet Daddy Nonso and Nonso

(IYA MOJI exits)

 

 

MAMA NONSO

 (Sits back own and fold her arms under her armpit)

Jesus? Son of God kwa? Let Amadioha not strike him dead o! Hia!

(Fades…)

SCENE TWO

(At Aunty Mary’s salon.

Female apprentices are busy washing women’s hair. Mary is walking about, supervising them.)

(Enter IYA MOJI into the salon)

IYA MOJI

 Ah! Aunty Mary. You’re in today. Afternoon ni o!

MARY

(Sees IYA MOJI and smiles)

 Iya Moji. Customer. You’re welcome. Please sit down.

(Makes a chair available for IYA MOJI)

IYA MOJI

(IYA MOJI sits and removes her scarf)

 Ah thank you my dear.

MARY

 (MARY moves behind IYA MOJI and runs her fingers through her hair)

Your usual wash right?

IYA MOJI

 Yes o jare. The hair is itch me bad bad.

MARY

(MARY combs and begins to wash IYA MOJI’s hair)

So Iya Moji how is Daddy and Moji?

IYA MOJI

 They’re fine o. How is Joseph and your children?

MARY

 (Pours water on hair and continues washing)

They’re great. Joseph wants to retire from his carpentry business and hand over to James.

IYA MOJI

Ehen? But is not righti o!

MARY

 (Pauses for a second and continues)

It’s not right?

IYA MOJI

 (Clicks tongue)

Lailai!

MARY

 (Rinsing and patting hair dry)

How is it not right?

 

IYA MOJI

Eh na! The business is supposed to pass on to the first son. The business is supposed to be for Jesus, beeni!

MARY

 (Smiles)

Well…my son Jesus has his ministry. He cannot take on the business. It has to be James.

IYA MOJI

 (Turns to face MARY)

Ah Aunty Mary! So the rumors are true! You and Joseph are letting Jesus go mad up and down? Ah! Aunty Mary! He’s your first son o! You’re supposed to sit him down as his mother beeni! Sit him down and tell him to stop his madness before they arrest him o!

MARY

(Laughs)

Iya Moji it’s not like that. Jesus was called into this ministry. You see I conceived him before I knew Joseph. An angel, Gabriel appeared to me and told me I would bear a son who would be the Saviour of the world. Jesus is the son of God.

IYA MOJI

 (Stands up slowly, a look of disbelief on her face)

I can see where your son got his madness from. Ori e o pe! Instead of you to take my advice and be a good mother you’re here telling me stories. Angel Gabriel appeared to you?

(Claps hands and laughs in derision)

Angeli Gabriel ko. Angeli Malaika ni!

MARY

(Affronted)

I am telling the truth! I was conceived of the Holy-

IYA MOJI

(Interrupts)

Make i hear word abegi! Take your money!

(IYA MOJI drops coins into MARY’s laps and walks away, mumbling about stupid women and angels. MARY stares after her, confused, mouth open)

(Fades..)

SCENE 3

(At the house of the Ogbonnas. In the morning, Mama Nonso, runs out of her house crying and screaming)

MAMA NONSO

PAPA NONSO! PAPA NONSO OOOOOO! BIAKWA! BIAKWA! PAPA NONSO!

(A young man, NONSO, carrying a bag over his shoulder tries to come out of the house but MAMA NONSO runs back and blocks him. She holds his shirt.)

NONSO

(Trying to remove his mother’s grip on his shirt)

Mama leave me alone! Leave me alone let me go!

MAMA NONSO

(Still crying)

I’m not leaving you alone ooooo! Nonso i choro igbu m! You want to kill me! PAPA NONSO!

(NONSO struggles to move past to no avail. PAPA NONSO rushes to the scene and holds his crying wife.)

 

PAPA NONSO

Nwanyi O gini! O gini n’isi ututu a! This early morning! What is it? What is happening here! Mgbo Nonso! What is happening!

NONSO

(Pointing at his mother)

Papa! It’s mama! She won’t let me go and join Jesus and be a disciple!

MAMA NONSO

(MAMA NONSO begins screaming again, throwing herself on the ground)

Ewoooooooooo! Anwula m ooooo! Jesus anapuna m otu nwa m nwere! Jesus has stolen my only son! Anadioha biakwa eeeee!

PAPA NONSO

(Shouts angrily at his wife)

Nwanyi mechie onu! Shut up let me listen to the boy!

(MAMA NONSO stops screaming, biting her fingers, crying silently)

 

PAPA NONSO

(Turns to face his son)

Nonso. Where are you going to?

NONSO

(Sighs)

Papa…I said I am going to join Jesus. Papa he works wonders! He made the mad man down the street well papa! He heals people! I saw it with my own eyes! I believe he’s the son of God and I want to obey his Father in heaven.

PAPA NONSO

(Shaking his head, looking dismayed)

But Nonso you cannot just leave us. You’re our only son. You need to settle down, marry and give us grandchildren eh Nonso nwa m…

NONSO

(Slowly slinks away from the door)

Mba papa! No! Jesus said we should seek the kingdom of God first and his righteousness. I am going. Papa. Mama. God bless you.

(NONSO runs away. PAPA NONSO tries to chase him, screaming for NONSO to come back. MAMA NONSO begins screaming and crying, rolling herself on the ground)

(Fades)

SCENE 4

(The same day, in the afternoon.
At Joseph’s carpentry workshop.
JOSEPH and one of his sons are busy working on a table.
PAPA NONSO walks in with MAMA NONSO.
JOSEPH notices them and stops what he is doing.
He looks confused at their sombre faces)

JOSEPH

(Motions them to a long bench)

 Mr. and Mrs. Ogbonna. Is there a problem? Please seat down.

PAPA NONSO

(Shakes his head)

This is not a sitting matter Mr. Joseph. If we wanted to sit down we’d have stayed at home.

JOSEPH

(Looking confused)

 Ok. I am sorry. Please what is the matter?

PAPA NONSO

(Clears throat before speaking)

The problem is your son Jesus. He has stolen our son Nonso away with his…his cult.

 

JOSEPH

(Sighs and sits down)

Jesus again. If I had a denarii every time someone came here to report about Jesus, I will be a rich man. Today, it’s the Pharisees coming to complain. Tomorrow the Sadducees would come from another corner. Now you people. What am I to do?

MAMA NONSO

(Kneels down, pleading)

Papa Jesus bikozie nu. Just speak to your son. Tell him to bring Nonso back biko. He’s our only son. Otu nwa a m muru…

(MAMA NONSO stays crying again. PAPA NONSO consoles his wife)

PAPA NONSO

(To his wife)

Ebezina nwanyi oma m. Biko o?

JOSEPH

(Sighs and wipes his forehead)

Mr. Ogbonna I’m sorry but I cannot help. Jesus is not my son. I am just a poor substitute for an earthly father. I cannot persuade him to do anything against ‘The will of his Father’. I am sorry.

(JOSEPH goes back to his work. PAPA NONSO consoles MAMA NONSO and they walk away)

 

(Fades)

SCENE 3

(At the Ajala residence)

(IYA MOJI is screaming at her husband who has just been caught sleeping with another woman, Mary of Magdalene. He is wearing only a wrapper. Mary is beside him cowering, trying to cover her nakedness with a cloth hastily tied to her chest)

IYA MOJI

(Screaming at the top of her voice)

OLOSHI! OLOSHI! OLORI BURUKU! ORI E DA! STUPID MAN! SANGO WILL KILL YOU TODAY! USELESS MAN!

(IYA MOJI holds his wrapper and pulling it. BABA MOJI is trying to prise her hands from it)

BABA MOJI

(Trying to hush his wife in a low tone)

 Bukola o da be o! O ti to-

IYA MOJI

(Ignores his pleas and continues screaming)

GBE ENU SOUN! USELESS MAN! YOU’RE NOT ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! BE DISGRACING YOURSELF WITH STUPID SMALL GIRLS. AH! BABA MOJI!

(IYA MOJI leaves him and drags MARY)

 

IYA MOJI

IWO! IWO! Mary Magdalene abi kini oruko e!

(MARY sobbing and covering her face so IYA MOJI‘s slaps land on get arms)

IYA MOJI

Omo oshi! Omo ale jati jati! Useless girl! That’s how you go about sleeping with peoples husbands! O ri e!

 

(IYA MOJI tries to year the wrapper covering MARY‘s nakedness but MARY holds on to it tight)

MARY

(Sobbing)

 I am sorry Ma… Please…

IYA MOJI

Shut up there! Oniranu! Abi you! Mary Mangelina abi Angelina! Angelica nko! Omo odo! They will stone you today!

(People begin to gather at the scene)

IYA MOJI

(IYA MOJI begins to yell at them)

Stone am o! Kill this stupid girl! Idiot! Stone this stupid man I call my husband too!

BABA MOJI

(Begging IYA MOJI)

AH! BUKOLA! STONE ME! Ah! What will Moji say! Bukky! Ma binu!

IYA MOJI

(Continues screaming, tying and untying her wrapper)

Why didn’t you think of Moji when you were between this Omo oshi’s legs! YOU ARE MAD! O RI O PE!

(She tries slapping him but he dodges. The crowd gets agitated and begin to pick up stones. MARY is crying to herself, trying to hide her face in shame. Suddenly the crowd goes quiet and parts. JESUS walks in to the scene)

JESUS

(Turns to IYA MOJI)

Woman, what is happening here?

IYA MOJI

(Glares at him and hisses)

I see you don’t have respect again eh Jesus omo Mary! You’re calling me woman! Is that how to address your elders?

(JESUS ignores her and turns to an onlooker, asking the same question)

ONLOOKER

Mary was caught fornicating with Baba Moji so we’re going to stone her.

JESUS

(Stares at them all and a hush falls)

Is that so? Ah nnkan be…

 

(He squats on the ground, doodling without lifting his head up)

He who is without sin should cast the first stone.

(With that, JESUS ignores them all, still doodling. The crowd drop their stones and slowly disperse. JESUS lifts up his head and it is just him, IYA MOJI, BABA MOJI and MARY there.

 

JESUS

(Turns to MARY and BABA IBEJI)

Where are your accusers?

(MARY shrugs, still sobbing quietly. JESUS turns to IYA MOJI)

 

JESUS

Forgive. As your Father in heaven forgives you your lies and gossip, forgive them. Sin is sin. Your lying is just as bad as their sin.

(Just as JESUS is speaking, PAPA NONSO rushes into the scene, carrying his wife, who looks dead. He comes to JESUS and falls at his feet, crying)

PAPA NONSO

Jesus! Please! Nonso said you perform miracles. Biko! My wife! She just fell down and won’t talk. She’s shaking. Please. Help her!

(IYA MOJI rushes to MAMA NONSO‘s side)

 

IYA MOJI

(Places hands on head and starts wailing)

Ah! Mogbe! Mummy Nonso! Ah! Daddy Nonso o! Ah!

JESUS

(JESUS touches MAMA NONSO‘s forehead)

Rise up and walk

(MAMA NONSO‘s eyes flicker and open. She stands up, looking dazed. They’re all in shock.

PAPA NONSO kneels at JESUS’ feet. BABA MOJI and IYA MOJI follow suit. MARY joins them)

 

IYA MOJI

Ah e jo! Your mother was righti o! You’re the son of God true true! A miracle worker noni!

BABA MOJI

Please! Omo mi! Have mercy on me!

MARY

Yes Sir! Mercy.

JESUS

(Rises)

Go and sin no more.

(JESUS leaves them kneeling and bewildered and walks away. They all stand up.)

 

BABA MOJI

(Turns to his wife)

Iyawo mi. Forgive me. I will never do this again. I will never cheat on you. E jo. Bukky… Omo toh shan.. Ife mi…

IYA MOJI

(Mellows and sighs)

You will not kill me o Baba Moji. Eh…Ok o…

MARY

(Comes forward and kneels at her feet)

I am sorry ma. I will never do this again. This is all I do to feed. I have no other job…

IYA MOJI

(Helps MARY her up)

I have heard you. As a young girl, don’t go and sell your body for money. It is not goodi o! To be breaking marriages ah! Is a evil something beeni! I forgive you. I can employ you in my fish business. I need an assistant. Oya go and dress up first.

MARY

(Gets up)

Ah! Thank you Ma! Thank you!

(She runs inside the house. PAPA NONSO hugs MAMA NONSO)

 

 

 

MAMA NONSO

(Still dazed)

He healed me…

PAPA NONSO

Yes…

 

MAMA NONSO

Nonso…

PAPA NONSO

Nonso is fine with him. Jesus is…He is a God man. Nonso is fine.

(MAMA NONSO sobs softly and scene fades)

THE END o!

———————————————————————————————————

😀

TEE HEE!

The Hunger Games?


Hey! Impromptu post! Something that just came to mind as I was on my way to work! If you haven’t read or watched Hunger Games, you probably won’t fully understand this the way I want you to so do me a favour, WATCH IT! (After  you read…or before you read…whatever)

Anyway, ENJOY!

——————————————————

He slid into her, pacing himself, reveling in her languid moans.
*******************************

“Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to this segment of the Hunger Games event!”

(Crowd cheers)

“This event as we all know, has been going on for quite a while now. Till, date, we have only had 2 winners, emerge from this competition! Today, we shall be having a fresh batch of smerps as they are called, compete for the ultimate price, The Hand of Ova!”

(Crowd cheers louder. Cat-whistles rent the air)

“Oh. This just in. They are getting ready to come in. Ladies and Gentlemen, get ready to be blown! And here they come!! The contestants! A big cheer people!”

(Crowd cheers as the contestants swim into the narrow red tube.)

“We seem to have a huge turn out of contestants today! Let us hear what they have to say! Contestant 1! Let’s start from you. How are you feeling today!”

“Oh I’m ready to go! Flagella’s powered to the max. I know I will win this!”

(Crowd cheers wildly at the confident statement. Contestant 1 strikes a pose, flexing his head.)

“Thank you contestant 1! Let’s go over to Contestant 40! Our last contestant. How confident are you today? Will you survive and do what your predecessors have failed to do in the last three games?”

“Ah yessa. Me gonna win today. Ma momma tole me nota come back if ah lose. Me gonna win even say tis the last ting ah do.”

“Brave! Brave indeed! Though your momma failed to realise that you won’t be coming back if you don’t win as you’ll be dead! HAHAHA! Over to Contestant 15 who is a woman! A stunning one too! What’s your strategy to win honey?”

“I plan on using my charm and amazing beauty to convince the others to let me win”

“Oh smoking! Interesting strategy 15! Too bad you just revealed it so it won’t work would it? HAHAHA!”

(Crowd laughs uproariously)

“Contestant 23! You are dressed weirdly. Won’t these bags hamper your movements as you progress in the games?”

“Oh no. Just watch me. Oh just watch me. He. He. He.”

“Oh interesting chap. Creepy. And that laugh, shivers. It seems the other Contestants are wary of him too! Anyway, enough of the chit-chat. Let’s get the games started! To our contestants, good luck and may the eggs be ever in your favour!”

(Crowd roars as the contestants go to the starting line)

“On your marks. Set. GO!”

“And they’re off! OH! CONTESTANT 23 HAS TURNED ON HIS MATES AROUND HIM! HE HAS REDUCED COMPETITION BY GETTING RID OF CONTESTANTS 5, 27,24 AND 30! AMAZING!”

(Crowd screams, egging him on)

“And first to get into the Great Wall of Uteru is Contestant 1! He is one to watch out for. Deftly avoiding the obstacles and forging ahead. Close behind him are contestants 3, 6, 12…oh and 13 has overtaken 12. Are they pushing? Nice! This I must say is turning out to be a better game than the last one! The contestants are not giving up!”

(Crowd suddenly start cheering and the commentator turns)

“Oh my Eggs! It’s Contestant 23!! He is getting rid of 12 and 13 as we speak! AMAZE-BALLS!! He has left a trail of destruction behind him! ALL OTHER CONTESTANTS BEHIND ARE DEAD! HOW DID HE DO THIS! WOW! Only four contestants are left on the course! We can see Contestant 1 looking back, trying to access the situation. He is losing the valuable lead he had gotten. Contestant 3 is slowly catching up, though I’m not sure what is really egging him on, the will to win or the threat of destruction from Contestant 23! He and Contestant 1 are in the Fallopi tube!  6 is closely behind and 23 is slowly catching up to 6! Oh! Oh my! 6 DOWN! CONTESTANT 6 IS DOWN! WOW! CONNIVING 23! VERY CONNIVING!”

(Crowd screams in jubilation)

“Wow! Contestant 23 is definitely proving to be the crowd’s favorite! They are baying for blood! Uh oh! What is this? Contestant 23 slips! It seems Contestant 3 had a trap set! Wonderful! keeps getting better! We can hear the crowd groan as their Wonderboy falls. He picks himself up and waved cheerily at the crowd. Oh, he’s riling them up! I think he has a plan!”

(Crowd chanting “23! 23! 23! 23!”)

“And he’s off, full throttle! Contestant 3 has overtaken Contestant 1! Oh he’s closing on to the finish line! We can see the price in view, the magnificent Ova! Will 1 catch up before 3 reaches the last stop or does 23 have another trick up his sleeves for us! Can he stop them fast enough to win?”

(The crowd still chanting, start pointing)

“Oh dear! 23 has stopped! I think this is the trick we’ve all been waiting for! This is going to be IT! OH! HE DROPS HIS BAG AND BRINGS OUT A CONTRAPTION! WHAT IS THIS? A MODIFIED SLING? He peers into a lens and clicks!”

(Crowd goes crazy)

“HOLY GENITALIA!!! CONTESTANT 3 IS OUT! SO IS 1! WOWWIDY!! IS THERE ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR CONTESTANT 23 TO DO? HE CLEARLY GOT RID OF COMPETITION WITH THE STRANGE CONTRAPTION! A BRIGHT BEAM OF LIGHT AND WHOOSH! OH? IT’S CALLED A BAZOOKA! HOLY!!”

(Increased yell of “23!” continues)

“And the crowd is loving it! Look at him go! Strutting to the finish line! He stops and waves at the crowd and they’re going crazy! Fantastic! I must say Contestant 23 has been a joy to watch and his devotion to his fans is just top-notch! Wo..”

(Someone in the crowd screams)

“Oh dear! OH MY PRECIOUS EGGS! Unbelievable! The most unbelievable thing just happened! CONTESTANT 23 IS OUT! I REPEAT, HE IS OUT! WE HAVE NO WINNER!!!”

(Crowd boos in disappointment)

“Uh oh the crowd is not happy! Let me explain what just happened here. It seemed Contestant 3 had not died yet! He was able to shoot something at Contestant 23 before he crossed the Finish line! Amaze-balls! And Contestant 3 died immediately after! He must have used up his last energy to fire that bolt of energy! This is what the games are about! This is why we are here! This is the HUNGER GAMES!!!”

(Crowd grudgingly claps, and soon, the applause spreads across the gallery)

“This has been an amazing experience here at the Reproductive Centre! For the fourth time, we have no winner but this undeniably has been the best game so far! How can we forget Contestant 23!”

(Crowd screams at the mention of Contestant 23)

“Ah! Wonderful crowd. Their posthumous support for Contestant 23 has been so great! Thank you very much for tuning in today! I shall be here once again, for the next round of Hunger Games. My name’s Fundus and it has been a pleasure being here today! Thank you once again and GOOD NIGHT!”

(Crowd cheers and slowly, disperses)

****************************

She sighed in satisfaction.
“Think we probably made another baby?” she whispered
He drew her close and kissed her. “I bet we did”
She smiled and nodded.
“Andy and Jamie need a new sister!”
He chuckled “Or another brother!”
“Bah! Not another boy! I need a mini me”

They laughed and cuddled, and later slept.
No baby was conceived that night.
No winner at the Hunger Games.

—————————

TEE HEE!
😀
COMMENT!

*Gets back to work, listening to the BOSS nag*

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